reflections after mass

Have you ever taken the time to really look at someone?

I'm not much of a people watcher or a people person for that matter. I usually manage to say something silly that makes very little sense to most people. I suppose my agoraphobia is part to blame for it but I'm just not a social butterfly.

I am however someone who looks at people. I see a mother out with her small children and I try to read her face...is she having a good day? Is she about to pull her hair out? I see a couple pull up beside me in their car....I wonder what they are going to be doing together. Are they taking in a movie? Maybe just to the grocery store...or maybe the doctor's office.

I make a great attempt to look beyond the clothing, the make-up, the face we all put forward and attempt to catch a glimpse of who the person really is....connect on a more human level.

I'd never given this practice much thought until this past Sunday during Mass in which Fr. spoke of the holy family and putting them upon a pedestal and how when we do that, they become untouchable, with unattainable attributes.

For us Catholics it seems that people with unattainable attributes surround us, constantly reminding us of what we should be striving for... and yet never seem to get there. The list is never ending....saints upon saints, the holy family, Jesus, God, the Pope, and many priests. We put our religious leaders on a pedestal and expect things out of them we wouldn't expect out of ourselves.

"Yes, but he is our religious leader," one might say. In truth, isn't he just like you and I? His desires, hopes, dreams, frustrations, anxieties don't change simply because he is a priest? I venture to say that he is a man, just like your husband, brother, father, son.

I have met my fair share of priests....ones that seem untouchable for several reasons. The priest who is stern...the one who is constantly happy, the one in constant reflection, the quiet one. All, simply....another face. Do you truly believe that the one who isn't overly friendly doesn't need a friend? Do you truly believe someone is happy every moment? Do you truly believe that they are so different than you?

Yes, it can be rather difficult to see our religious leaders as mere mortals...just regular people like you and I....but.....don't we owe them that? With placing such unattainable qualities on them aren't we cheating ourselves out of a rewarding experience while cheating them out of a most common human right, to be themselves?

I am lucky that within my life I have several wonderful people who challenge and guide me spiritually. They all have their own mountains to climb and valleys to cross. I often find myself looking at them....truly looking, searching for that most common quality that says, "I'm just like you." More often than not I am graced to see it and when I do I find I love the person even more for it.

I love them more because it's easy to put on our face and hide but it takes a much stronger person to remove the face and say, " I struggle, I've fallen, but I trust you to allow me to be myself."

I'm sure I over analyze just about everything that enters into my mind. However, every once in a while it allows me to grow as a person and see something in a new light.

Example, I've been thinking a lot about the homily at Christmas Mass. Fr. Robert spoke of being tired of the question, "What did you get" and that it should be more about, "What did you give".

It shouldn't be about some gift we bought or some gift we gave but rather what are we giving of ourselves. When I think of giving in this manner I believe it must come from your inner most being....giving not only with your heart but with your soul. It's about giving something that can't be bought or wrapped.

The sad part about it all is that often times it doesn't take a whole lot to give in this manner and still we don't do it.

It starts with simple things, giving someone a hug or a smile, letting someone know how much you love them, appreciate them, value their friendship. It starts with helping a perfect stranger for no reason other than they needed help.

So on this last day in 2007 (being one who detests resolutions and thinks they are often silly) I believe I owe it not only to myself but to those around me, to stop holding people to unattainable qualities and make more of an effort to be a better all around person. Be someone who is less concerned with what is going on in my own life and more open and willing to reach out (even if it does mean working on being a better people person and a better social butterfly if you will).

Don't worry, I still won't be attending parties or blogging about rainbows and butterflies...I'm still the same sarcastic girl. I'm just going to live with a little more light for others because at it turns out....it really isn't all about my life.

peace, joy and UNC basketball

Merry Christmas! Yes, I know it's a little late for most but those Catholics out there know that Christmas is still going strong.

Anyway...

Things in my house have been rather busy and slightly crazy. Oh, so much to tell I barely know where to start.

Christmas at our house was wonderful...granted how can it not be when you have little kids who have the amazement of seeing such joy in things you never imagined. Our Christmas thus far has been full with both toys and holiday spirit.

The girls are busy playing with dolls, horses, and books of one kind or another. Michael is rather fascinated by the cute little toys he now has at his disposal. Momma and Poppa are content with children so joyous...and a little Carolina action thrown in for good measure.

Last night my husband and I had the opportunity to take in a UNC basketball game, our first, and our favorite team so we were over joyed to say the least. It made for a very long night and an even longer day for husband as he had to be at work early this morning. However, so worth it. WE LOVE NCAA BASKETBALL!!!!!

It has been a wonderful time thus far and I'm feeling rather calm, peaceful which is something I rarely experience. I like it and believe that I want more of it in my life. It seems this holiday season is quite agreeable with us and we are enjoying some much appreciated family time.

Who knew reconnecting with your kids and taking a chance to breathe could be so good for you.

May you all have a wonderful (rest of) Christmas and a peaceful New Year.

because a mom is a girl's saving grace

*Today's blog is dedicated to my mother*

Eleven years ago today my mother lost her mother. My grandmother passed away just one week before Christmas, leaving her family struggling to find a way to make it thought the holidays without her. Since she was the glue that had held our family together it was the loneliness Christmas any of us had experienced.

Reflecting back upon this time I realize that it must have been most difficult upon my mother. She had the youngest children and she was the only daughter. She would be the one that must pick up the slack now in the rope with the matriarch gone. She had been the one to care for her mother...for years.

The depth of the relationship between my grandmother and mother is one I can only imagine and base upon the closeness I share with my own daughters. However, even that wouldn't give it justice...my mother had spent 37 years with her mother.

My mother had watched her mother fight cancer long after the doctors said she had only 6 months to live. She had maneuvered her way through high school while watching her mother come so close to death.

My grandmother had survived...and so had my mother.

Many many years later my mother watched yet again as my grandmother fought for her life. This time the fight would be too difficult...this time she wouldn't survive. Yet, she did the one thing she was strong enough to do...the one thing she knew she needed to do for her daughter. She gave her daughter her dying words...her last words.

Quietly and clearly my grandmother said, "Andrea, I love you."

My grandmother never spoke again.

I must admit for many years I was extremely jealous of my mother over this fact. I was young, scared, and felt I had lost my best friend. I was angry. How dare my grandmother die the day after my birthday, how dare my mother keep me away from my grandmother as she was dying.

I'm glad to say I have peace now. I'm still rather heartbroken but I have a peace that I believe still eludes my mother. The older I have gotten, the more I understand my mother's heartache.

She had lost her mother, her guide, her heart. My mother was old enough to know what she was loosing, yet knew she must remain strong because she had children and now had her entire family to carry on her shoulders...she was now the matriarch.

I know when this time rolls around my mother feels a sadness so deep within that it overwhelms her. I know that my birthday has become a reminder of the loss of her mother. I know she aches for her mother.

So today, on this very sad day I want my mother to know that I love her as deeply as the heartache she feels. I want her to know that while her mother is gone she has done an incredible job at making sure her mother's legacy will live forever. I want her to know that I understand.

Mom, I love you!

to celebrate or not...that is the question...but then again how should you celebrate?

Today is my 26th birthday. Certainly not any special milestone but a birthday none the less.

Yet, it seems that as one gets older celebrating the birthday becomes less and less desirable. I have always disliked this tendency. I think birthdays are a great cause for celebration because I find it rather amazing that any of us were born.

Against many people's understanding I really try to celebrate my children's birthday. I try to make the day very special for them because I'm overjoyed that they were born. I find it a great blessing that they entered my life.

Our birthday is the one day in which we are allowed to celebrate ourselves and how far we have come. However, birthday's aren't so great when you seem to be the only one celebrating. Too often those around us don't celebrate...and sometimes don't even remember the reason for celebration.

So is it okay to expect others to celebrate you on your birthday? Or...is that simply being selfish and self absorbed? I don't think I have come to a resolution on this one. I can understand how the day gets lost between the many responsibilities we carry. I'm just not sure if it is stretching it to expect those closest to you to remember and celebrate with you.

I suppose the problem with that is you have an expectation and usually with those come disappointments.

Today I'm honestly not doing much celebrating...husband and I will venture out without children this evening for a meal and a little shopping but that will be it.

I'm looking forward to this quality time with him because it is something we rarely have anymore. It may not be a celebration really but it is time in which my husband will take the evening and do pretty much anything I want....I get to choose the restaurant....choose what we do and I suppose in it's own right that is a celebration.

Maybe the answer is that the celebrating we do as an adult must become one of small happenings because the older we get the more important the small things seem to become.

sick kids and sick tree leaves momma sleep deprived

I haven't been blogging....just in case you hadn't noticed. You see I'm in the midst of sick children. Wee one is suffering as his top front teeth struggle to come in at the very same time. Ireland suffering from a reaction to immunizations and now a cold. Erin....well she is just suffering from the wonderful problem of "I want what I want and I want it now".

As we prepare for Christmas I'm hoping that we can get all children (and parents) well so that we won't be needing to blow noses between celebrations. I'm also hoping that family can visit without fear of getting sick themselves.

Since there seems to be so much sick floating around me right now I am falling behind on my holiday preparations. I have manged to loose a box full of gifts (and am fearful that it ended up getting moved to WV. Also, still haven't gotten my Christmas cards out...hopefully they will go out Monday or if I'm real lucky maybe even tomorrow.

If that wasn't enough...our Christmas tree is dying. The poor tree is beginning to look a little brown and seems to have a desire to turn into Charlie Brown's tree to which Erin responds, "But I like Charlie Brownie".

So, I'm going to hope and pray for a nap (cause after a week of sickness I'm more like the living dead than anything else), health, and that our tree makes it at least until Christmas day.

too much fun

What could be more fun than taking two 4 year olds to the doctor so they can each receive 5 shots?

Spending the day taking care of a sick 4 year old who is having a bad reaction to those 5 shots.

I'm beginning to understand why some moms are hesitant to get those vaccines.

I'm not boycotting and you can't make me

In case you haven't heard there is a movie coming out called The Golden Compass. This movie is based upon a book by Philip Pullman who wrote a trilogy (which the movie comes from the first book) that rivals The Chronicles of Narnia.

My frustration comes when every week for 2+ months now I have found in my inbox an email outraged by the movie and warning every parent and anyone else who will listen to not see the movie or buy the books.

Why....why such an outcry over a book...or a movie? Well, it seems that the book carries a meaning about killing God. Since I have not read it I can not state if this is true. I have read that the author did interviews in which he acknowledged this but from his website I found no such information.

Why would you look at his website? Because there are thousands of emails circulating about what a terrible evil man he is because he wrote books that kill God and I find it better to use a little common sense and do some research for myself before I jump off the deep end and start saying things that I can't know since I have neither read the book or seen the movie. Plus, I try to know a little about a person before I start badmouthing their life's work.

I want to state again....I have not seen the movie or read the book. I also would like to state that I probably will...do both.

I remember there being a huge outcry about a movie called The Da Vinci Code. Do you remember? It seemed every preacher and priest was urging their congregation to not read the book, don't see the movie. Of course, wanting to know what the big deal was I did.....both.

I found that it doesn't take much to scare Christians. Which I find sad... you know... since I am one. The Da Vinci Code spoke of Jesus being married and having a child. Apparently this was terrible. How dare Jesus do anything so awful. Seriously....does it change your beliefs if you found out that Jesus had married and had a child? Does it change all the good He did? Does it change what He did for you?

In my view... if it does...then you seriously need to look deep within your self. The book took nothing away from Jesus, it just added a possibility...one of which you are free to disagree with.

Anyway, getting back to the new thorn in Christians side....

The Golden Compass may very well be about killing God, I don't know for sure because I haven't seen it. And guess what unless you went to the movies last night to view it...neither have you. However, according to a Catholic group they aren't saying that there is anything wrong with the movie....just the books.

OK, so don't go to the movie because suddenly your children will want the books and you will be under a spell that will render you helpless to resist.

How about just telling your children no. I mean you are their parent.

Or maybe....you buy the book and read it first yourself to determine if it really is as bad as others are saying. Maybe it could open up some dialogue between your child and you. Sit down and have a conversation about something that is important.

If your child reads the book will all their Christian upbringing be for not? Will they suddenly be brainwashed into believing what is in those pages? Will they be so blinded by what they read that their minds are no longer their own? Or are we more afraid of it ourselves because it is different? Are we afraid that it may lead to questions that we are not prepared to answer?

At what point do parents need to trust that they have done their job in raising their children and allow them to make their own decision on movies, books, religion? Are we so close minded as parents that we are incapable of realizing that there is more than one way to arrive at the same ending?

This movie is one that I plan to see....and I plan to read the book. Given that my children are too young to see such a movie and can't read I don't have to worry about whether to let them see/ read it.

However, when they are older I hope that we are able to take adventures in which we are all given the opportunity to question and converse about things that are important. I don't want my children to be carbon copies of myself and believe what I believe simply because it was what I believed thus it must be true. I want them to find their own truths...their own path....and their own faith, because in my house faith is personal...and so are books.

Don't see the movie or read the book...that is fine with me. Please, however, refrain from spreading your fear in my direction because not seeing something because someone of some one's brother's cousin's neighbor sent you an email that said it was evil doesn't prove anything other than you are easily manipulated by fear....which I guess means you shouldn't see the movie anyway.

closed

Papers signed.........garage door openers left.....keys given........no longer homeowners.

Sad, yes. Overjoyed, yes. ...and feeling a little displaced and homeless.

Family now living in my home.....enjoy, it carries many wonderful memories and a few quirks that I hope you learn to love.

warning....fomula users please read!

Moms...please take note that the formula you use may be causing harm. Check here and here for information regarding the latest results in BPA found in formulas and the best way to keep your baby safe.

It seems there is no end to the terrors we must protect our children from. Please pass along to any mother who uses formula.

a plead to close.....now

I'm beginning to feel like I need to hold my breathe where this whole house closing is concerned. We were due to close last Friday then there was issues with the buyers lender so it was pushed until this week...and here it is Thursday and still no word from the attorney that we will close tomorrow so I'm guessing now it will be next week.

I hope we actually close...I hope all of this time and energy hasn't been wasted. I know the family buying the house really wants it and we really want to sell it...sort of...yes we really want to sell it.

So please please please attorney's office....call me...now... and let me know that we are closing tomorrow so I don't have to spend the weekend worried that this may not end up happening. Let each family spend the weekend basking in the glow of a wonderful house exchange.

PLEASE!!!!! I don't think begging is working....any other ideas??

insanity takes many forms...including Julia Roberts

I'd like to take a sick day today. This head cold has left me with no energy, a massive sinus headache, and seriously wishing for more sleep and the ability to breathe.

But, as any mother knows....sick days do not exist in this field. Sick or not you must pull your bum out of the bed and tend to the children. You must feed them...clean up after them....and attempt to keep them from burning down the house. Oh, your kids don't attempt to burn down the house...must just be my kids.

Anyway, I'd like to call in sick today but my bosses who climbed in the bed with me last night and this morning are refusing to give me the day off. They keep demanding food and the right to venture outside to ride their bikes. They don't seem to care that I am not well. They don't even seem to notice.

I thought of going over their head.....you know take the matter to their bosses but so far my phone calls aren't being answered, my emails unreturned, my pleads falling upon deaf ears.

So, I'm pleading to my head cold....please leave, right now. I can't seem to think straight with you occupying my noggin and there is too much work to be done so please...pretty please...give me a break. Come back in say 15 years when they can at least get their own food and care for themselves without my necessary supervision.

Maybe the answer is to go on strike...mothers around the world unite! Better pay, better health care, better hours. Yeah, I'm sure that is the answer...it's bound to solve all my problems.

I'm officially on strike! How do you think the bosses will take that? Your right....they will be as demanding as ever. Still a nice thought though....goes right along with the dream I had of rescuing Julia Roberts from her cocaine using parents last night.

Yeah I know, insane dreams for an insane lady...

circuit city...fix my freaking tv before I go insane and leave it on your doorstep

Dear Circuit City,

I realize that this is a busy time of the year for you. I know that there are thousands upon thousands of electronic seeking crazies out there just searching for the next great gadget. I know that you are flooded with calls but would it hurt you to fix my husbands rather expensive giant television?

I wouldn't be so outraged if you had say fixed this thing within the first month but no, here we are well into month two and still this TV is unusable. Why would I pay $2500 to have a TV that doesn't work? Why should I pay to have the extended warranty if you aren't going to fix the freaking thing in a reasonable amount of time?

I have called several times and spoke with several of your "customer relations professionals" and all I get is, "Mam we have sent an email and should receive an answer within the next couple of days".

Excuse me but I'm tired of hearing the same thing over and over....a couple of days were up 5 weeks ago. Also, is it too much to ask that you pick up the freaking phone and call the person rather than relying on yet another email to these mystery people who get to make the call on how best to fix the TV?

Obviously the emails aren't working because here I am into week 6 and still no answer.

I'm getting extremely pissed off and frankly I don't have time to deal with all this crap. You see I'm in the middle of selling my home, living in someone elses and looking to purchase a home 2 states/6 hours away while raising 4 year old twins and a 7 month old without most of my belongings.

BUT, lucky me....I have a $2500 broken television sitting in my master bedroom floor which in my book makes the TV......WORTHLESS. Isn't the whole idea of having a TV so that you can.....watch it? I realize it is doing a wonderful job collecting dust for us currently but I'd much rather watch some HOUSE in HD say....before Christmas when I'm sure to have lost all remaining patience.

Sincerely,
A tired customer about to cancel her account and leave this giant pain of a tv on your doorstep

visits from the world of why

Ireland, "Why can't we go to the park?"

Mom, "Because Michael is sleeping right now."

Ireland, "But God wants you to take me to the park."

give a gift that says, "I bought this especially for you"

Whether we like it or not with the holidays comes gift giving. Many are angered that Christmas has become so much about giving a gift rather than the birth of Jesus. I say...give. I look at it as we give gifts to each other because we were given a gift.

I've even had to give way to explaining a relationship with Santa and Jesus to my very inquisitive 4 year olds.

Explanations usually go something like this... Santa gives girls and boys gifts on Christmas to celebrate the birth of Jesus....so with Jesus' birthday comes a party. Given this explanation we started last year having a birthday cake to help the celebration.

I like having a party on Christmas, I like the exchanging of gifts. In our home we have managed to keep Christ in Christmas if you will. I like the feeling one gets around this time of year, one often filled with hope and promise for the future. That isn't lost when you give a gift.

However, with this wonderful tradition of exchanging gifts comes the dreaded shopping. I for one enjoy attempting to find a gift that I believe will be liked by its recipient. I don't believe that last minute shopping or mindless shopping carries the spirit of the holiday. I want the gifts I give to mean something, to be special to that person.

It doesn't need to be expensive to carry meaning, but it does need to be tailored to the person intended. For example, my husband speaks of a year while in Junior High with great fondness because of the basketball team he was on. He even has games on video and seems to gain an extra bounce in his step when speaking of this wonderful time in his life. So, one year I managed to get his jersey from that season, from that championship year that meant so much to my husband. It cost all of $12 I believe, but the memory it carried cost much more than I spent. I had given my husband a gift that I felt was one of the greatest I could give. It was a perfect gift for him because it was just for him.

I usually am much more about giving than receiving gifts. I like the hunt of finding something special for those I shop for, but after almost 6 years of marriage I've realized that not everyone has the same philosophy that I have when giving a gift. Often gifts are given that have no real relevance to the recipient or no real use.

Example, I'll use my husband again. One year when my husband was a child he awoke to a gift that was more of a slap in the face than a gift. You see, he was (and still is) a Chicago Bulls fan but the wonderful basketball he was given was of the opponent....the Lakers. My husband was heartbroken because his likes/dislikes/feelings weren't portrayed in the gift.

I am sure all of us have our stories of terrible gift giving. We have all encountered or might even be the person who regifts. We see the need to give a gift more about just having something to pass along rather than being a special something from one to another. It becomes, "I have a gift, you need a gift so here" which doesn't do much to make the person receiving feel loved.

A memorable gift is one that you give with your heart, one that was picked especially for the intended. So this year, attempt to refrain from buying in bulk or just grabbing something...anything that would fill the need. Instead, shop with your heart, give something special...even if it is only a letter that lets them know how much you care and love them. After all love is the best gift you can give.

You know you are giving a good gift when you are more excited to see the recipient open the gift than whether you received one yourself.

What makes a gift memorable to you? Click here for the gift of an amazing experience, and click here to read about what others have to say about making a gift a memorable one.

visits from the world of why

Erin: "But why would Jesus want Santa to give kids gifts, he didn't live in the North Pole?"

visits from the world of why

Ireland, "Why does Michael have a big pee pee?"

Mom, "Because he is a boy."

Ireland, "Does that mean daddy has a giant pee pee?"

dealing with the lurking evil monster

Life right now is more like a tornado. I awake most days not knowing which end is up or the best way to tackle the day. I'm working desperately to keep my lovely girls from tearing my in-laws home apart and for all my work I still feel we would be better living in a box. I know that during our stay I will infuriate my mother-in-law with my less than stellar cleaning ability with the little ones running around, I know the kids will inevitably break something, and several choice words will be spread that in essence we are destroying their home.

It saddens me, I don't want this to happen...I'm trying my best to keep it from happening but with all the wishing and praying I know there is nothing I can do to stop it. It will happen, it's only a matter of time because even the most understanding people reach their limits.

I had hoped that once we were settled into the beach house our lives would calm down, we would be able to regain a sense of normalcy...but it would seem normalcy is taking a hyadis. Perhaps it is the fact that we know this isn't out home, perhaps it is the fact that we don't know what/where/when things are going to happen. We live life in limbo unsure of what the future holds.

I think all of this change is giving way to my enemy, depression. I am finding it more and more difficult to get out of the house. I want to...I know I need to, but it keeps getting harder and harder to push myself through that door. I would rather crawl into bed and just hide under the covers. I feel as if I'm trying to alienate myself from my very own life, and I don't want that.

The hope is that as long as I continue to pick myself up by my bootstraps I will keep it from gaining too hard of a hold and will ultimately regain a sense of happiness rather than appending doom.

sleeping in someone else's bed

Tonight is my first night without my home. Yes, techniquely it's still our home but it isn't. With almost all of our belongings in boxes, the other scattered throughout needing packed or moved to our current residence. Our home has become a reminder that our lives are changing big time and there isn't a single thing we can do about it.

I don't know if there is anything I want to do about it but after 4 trips between homes lugging those items which are needed regardless of where I find myself...I'm not happy that I still must pack a moving truck Thursday then unload it all again Friday evening. I'm already at my limit for lugging and schlepping.

As wonderful as this adventure will be (must stay positive or the evil leprechaun under the bed will attack) it saddens me to think of the moment the girls realize that they can't go back home, when they realize that their home is no more. I can just see the tears and hear the screams and it breaks my heart.

God, grant me just a few more days of peace before this reality sets in for my sweet babies. They deserve that.

So, now I'm just hoping that I can get some sleep which has been much missed lately.

life as a third wheel

It seems that life works well in pairs. Your feet, thus shoes, your pants, hands, thus gloves, even tires come in two pairs. People often come in pairs as well...at least we seem to strive to come in pairs. If your a wife you have a counter spouse, if your a mom you have a counter parent...at least you try to.

When I think back, even in school things happened in pairs. Friendships worked in pairs. There might be a larger group that would "hang out" but within the group were several pairs. With the pairing of our world (at least the small part I've lived) comes the complex of the third wheel.

This complex is something I'm rather familiar with and have spent a good portion of my life as the third wheel. I feel the desire to however point out that I have found my "pairing" and am most pleased with my spouse. HOWEVER, long before I was a wife I spent my time as a third wheel.

The few friends I had, always had their preferred pairing. I usually was the "other" friend. Not the best and not the worse but somewhere in the middle. I never had a "best" friend.

This being said my view may be slightly skewed.

Our neighbor has a 3 year old daughter who seems to enjoy spending most of her days at our home. Usually I don't mind since it helps entertain the girls and they are rather found of her. They have spent many an hour playing on the swing set or chasing each other around.

Lately, I've noticed a change in pecking order. It seems Ireland and her friend have paired up leaving my sweet Erin the third wheel. Ireland and her friend which we will call missy J are beginning to scheme to keep Erin from playing with them. Off they run to hide or lock Erin out of her own room so that Erin is excluded.

Erin of course will come crying to me wanting to know why they don't want to play with her, why they are running from her. "I just want to play" she sobs.

What do you I say? How do I answer? I don't know why kids do this. I don't know why someone must always be left out. So the only answer I felt comfortable giving was, "I'm sorry, want to come play with mommy?" The answer was a definitive no, she would rather be ignored by missy J and her sister than have to hang with momma.

It breaks my heart because I don't want that for my sweet girl. I want her to feel as if she belongs, that she has a place. I'm sure I'm making more of this than needed and hopefully next year with school she will quickly find her spot but until that happens my heart breaks for her because I know how it feels....and it just isn't fun!

sometimes another mother is your saving grace

I have lived in NC for almost 6 years. This coming January will mark husband and I's 6th anniversary and we've lived our entire married life in NC. When we first settled I wasn't that involved in our Parish but I was happy.

Upon having the girls my life changed dramatically. I was no longer working outside of my home so there were no co-workers to discuss the day with, only my two infants. Sean was busy working and I was busy getting a handle of life with twins.

Slowly, I began to feel depleted as if I only existed as a mother. I loved it but it was more difficult than I had expected. Granted I hadn't expected or planned on twins.

The view of my world changed upon the wonderful opportunity my friend Mary offered. She wanted to start a MOMS (Ministry of Mother's Sharing) group and wanted my help. I was excited, talk about being a mom...that I could do, that topic I knew about.

The group was a little overwhelming at first, so many new people... but quickly these women became friends. We offered experiences, insights, and encouragement when needed. Each of these ladies hold a special place in my heart. They helped me realize that NC could and would be my home.

Because of this group I have gained several amazing friends, friends who celebrated with me when I finally graduated college...they threw me a surprise celebration party. These ladies even threw me a baby shower when I was pregnant with Michael. They have done so much for me, I hope they know how much it has meant to me. So to my friends, I thank you and will carry you in my heart to WV and where ever I find myself. If you ever find yourself in need of a friend, know that I am here...regardless of where here may be.

Nancy - From the moment I met you, I felt connected. I felt our souls understood each other. You have helped me so much by just being yourself and offering amazing support. I kept each card you sent and when I'm having a bad day I pull them out and read them. I love the writer, the mother, and the woman that you are.

Lynn - You love from your inner most being and I admire that about you. You bubble over with love. Also, you cook a mean cake....and I just love helping eat them!!

Rosemary - I admire your drive to help and love that you aren't afraid to have fun. I just wish I could have taken your "women of the bible" class. You inspire me in more ways than I ever could explain.

Laura - I must thank you for a positive change within my home (wink wink) and for all the support and help with the kids. You have helped me realize that we are never alone but rather we simply choose to be left alone for periods of time...which can be a gift in its self.

Jean - You helped me understand that I am more than my obsessive compulsive behaviors and that as crazy as it can be it's important to have fun along the way.

Laurie - I feel your pain, and your joy. Having wild children can well....drive you wild. They can be the greatest gift and at times the greatest pain but the love never ends.

Sarah - You are one of the sweetest people I have ever had the pleasure to meet. I took more than you know from your willingness to share and am a better person because of it.

Marjorie - Lady, you have it together. You are so sweet and kind and one of the best dressed women I know. I admire your ability to "keep it together" and yet be so involved in those areas you grace with your presence.

Jennifer- You amaze me with your calmness and ability to deal with whatever is thrown your way. You are confident and unafraid to be yourself which is truly inspiring. Thank you for understanding my crazy, insane qualities and laughing rather than being freaked out by them. Thank you for the trips to the beach, for lunches, and for times spend just talking. Thank you for your willingness to help and for making selling my home so much easier. I don't think I could have done it without you.

Carrie - Thank you for becoming so close to my children, they love you and count you as a member of their family. Thank you for your friendship, help, and support. It has meant the world to me. You treated my children and I as family, including us in so many of your family activities. You pushed me to be a stronger person, to which I am very grateful. I only wish as things prepare to change that we were as close as we used to be.

Mary - Thank you for your friendship, understanding, concern, help, and so many other things. You have pushed me to better myself, broaden my mind, and accept many of my faults. I will miss our afternoons together so much when I leave. During those times I was more than a mother and yet prouder to be a mother. You were the first person here to take a chance with me and see I had something to offer. Our sharing of stories allowed me to be a better mother, better christian, and a more confident person. Thank you for sharing your writing ability, your stories, your kindness with me. I will forever be grateful.

in the midst of why

IT finally happened. IT being that horribly embarrassing moment when your child asks a very inappropriate question right in front of the person. The question....."Why is she so big mommy".

I could see it happening, as if in slow motion. I saw Erin looking.....almost walking into this lady....and just as the lady passed us asking that dreaded question.

It isn't that it is a difficult question to answer. I simply explained that there are all sizes and shapes of people. I continued with explanations as to why that isn't the nicest thing to ask. I understand her inquisitive nature and know that she meant no harm in her question but it's a slippery slope. Depending upon how I answer these questions will shape how she will not only view others but ultimately view herself.

In a perfect world we would all be healthy and look as we wished but a perfect world this is not. We all have our flaws, our difficulties, those things we wish and even try to hide from others. Even the overly skinny popular kids have their issues.

I was overly skinny as a teen yet anything but popular. The "skinny" was full of it's own dilemmas. Fellow students and some teachers began to spread rumors that I was anorexic or maybe even bulimic. At first I found them amusing, I could out eat the best. But.....at this wonderful stage of my body changing and people circulating comments I began to question myself. I thought I was healthy, I played basketball, ran track, and enjoyed fruits and veggies. I wasn't the healthiest person but I was in shape.

It took a teacher stating that I was, "too heavy" to really put me over the edge.

Now, as an adult I battle weight. Carrying twins the first pregnancy completely broke me down. My stomach is now a battleground that shows the war waged by my children to enter this world. As hideous as it is I am grateful because it allowed my children a safe haven while waiting to grace this world with their presence.

My breasts are even larger and saggier from breastfeeding. I have the beginnings of a wonderful double chin and countless stretchmarks. I have become a battleground. Long gone are the days of a size 0 and somehow I'm happier. I know I could loose weight, look better, be more attractive to the masses but honestly I don't really care about it anymore.

I've finally accepted that this is my body and while I control some of what it does or how it looks I can't (without surgical help) remove the layers of loose skin that I now tuck into my pants, I can't exercise away my stretchmarks, I can't remove the scars of childbirth. This is my body for better or worse.

Knowing how I have struggled with self image I know my children will do the same. I want them to know they are loved regardless of their size or shape. I want them to look at someone and refrain from judging them based upon their weight. I want them to know there is always more than the cover to a book, that is it the chapters within that matter....what makes each person wonderful.

So, to the lady that was possibly offended by my daughter's inquisitive nature I apologize, and know I'm doing my best...even if sometimes it doesn't look that way.

so....now what?

With inspections behind us (including the home inspection which turned out great) and nothing but a closing in our sights we are beginning to realize moving is inevitable. We are really doing this. Within two weeks most of our belongings will be in storage in WV awaiting our arrival this spring. We will be beach bums the remainder of the winter which I'm hoping will include lots of walks on the beach and many bike rides around the island.

The girls are beginning to gain a small amount of understanding of what is happening but I wonder how all the uncertainty that lay ahead will be handled. I'm hoping since they are familiar with the beach house it will help the process but I'm still wondering how many wonderful behaviors will come crawling out of the wood works because home is no more.

Or maybe.....I'm wondering how I will deal with home being no more.

So now packing begins....but then what? Only time will tell I suppose. Until then I'll be hiding under the bed waiting for the other shoe to drop because this is all going way too smoothly.

maybe in time this will be about those important things I want to write and my no longer toothless baby

So I have at least 10 blogs that I want to do but no time to actually sit down and work them out. I want to show some love to my friends in NC who have helped make this wonderful place home, I want to blog about some social issues that are very important to me but there just doesn't seem to be time right now.

Tomorrow I have an appraisal at 11am followed by a termite inspection at 3pm. Not to mention that tomorrow is Halloween and I have children that are so excited about trick or treating they can barely go to sleep at night.

With the closing on the house one month away I know things will be crazy and I because we are packing up our belongings and moving them to WV within 3 weeks.

My hope is that after I get settled at the beach house I will have some time to write about all that I desire but until then it's going to be tidbits of information as I prepare to move and get closer and closer to selling this home.

I'm a little overwhelmed at the moment and in mommy news.....

Michael has cut his first two teeth..both front two and let's just say nursing is no longer any fun. If he keeps this up he will either end up on formula or I'll end up in tears at every feeding. He will stop using my nipples as chew toys...right????

Inspection

So today is home inspection day in this wonderful process. I must admit I'm nervous. As a woman, wife, mother my home is my office and a critic of my home is a critic of myself. I just hope they don't find something we don't know about.

On a brighter note we attended our church's Halloween party last evening and really enjoyed ourselves. As you can see just because the girls are twins doesn't mean they think/act alike.

under contract...and counting

That's right folks. After a very long and trying 7 days on the market our house is officially under contract. It seems that if everything falls into place our home will no longer be ours by December. Hard to believe.....it's just really hard to believe.

I find myself looking around my home taking in each sight, every smell, and reminiscing in those moments long gone. I find myself wondering what life is going to be like 2 months from now or even 2 weeks from now.

With each transition in my life I've always had a destination and a place to call home but with this massive change we are unsettled. Renting the remainder of our stay in NC and complete unknown awaiting in WV. Sure there is family who offered us stay but no place to call ours for many months to come. Our belongings hidden in storage, our pictures packed away from the sunlight, our lives in constant transition.

I am happy that things with the house are moving along and we won't be facing taking care of a property almost 7 hours away. I'm happy that it seems our home will become home to another family with 3 children, the halls still filled with laughter, and the yard still full of toys.

I'm happy that this family seems excited at the prospect of living here, excited about creating a home for their family...I'm just sad that that means we will be leaving this portion of our lives behind.

NC has been home, it has introduced me to some amazing women who have changed my life. It was the place that allowed me to finish college and finally get that degree, it was the place that welcomed my children, it was in so many ways my heart.

So for the next several posts I'm going to be looking back at our stay here and what has made it so special....those special moments and those amazing people who have allowed us to truly feel at home here.

there's nothing like pizza to help you see clearly

Yesterday we had our very first house showing. We received a phone call early afternoon that they wanted to see the house between 3pm and 4pm. So I let the girls finish their nap and by 2:30 we were all showered, dressed, and off to have a late lunch. The girls chose Pizza Hut as our destination and husband and I braced ourselves for the craziness that is eating out.

Much to our amazement....the trip out was rather wonderful. Michael was ready for his nap so he quickly fell asleep in his stroller leaving those of us remaining to eat in peace. The table was equipped with some type of game cards which we used to entertain ourselves until food arrived.

With each course (first salad, then breadsticks, then cinnamon sticks, then finally pizza) we found out what each of our favorites were. Erin for the day chose 1, pink, cat, and Super Why as her favorites. Ireland went with 5, blue, zebra, and Super Why as her favorites. Husband and I were only asked about our favorite color and number but it all amounted to a lot of fun.

Granted it helped that the restaurant was basically empty and the bathroom was close enough that after taking the girls once they and I felt comfortable enough letting them venture on their own the remaining of the stay. I of course sat and watched and waited the entire time they were away just in case someone else entered the bathroom or if they happened to take too long so I could spring into action.

Even though husband wasn't feeling well it was a wonderful experience. One that left me thinking that maybe we will become the family I dream about. You know the family who seems like they actually enjoy being around each other and can have conversations without someone loosing a limb.

My aspirations aren't very high, I know my children will at some point express their utter hatred of me and my parenting. I know they will choose a different path then which I would wish, or they will act in a manner in which I deem inappropriate, but at least I know that for this day we could sit, enjoy a meal, and appreciate each other.

The only down side to the day was returning home only to find the viewers still in our home, talking. We were faced with the stark reality that our home is slowly becoming someone else's and less and less ours. The girls immediately brought to tears by the fact their swing set may become someone else's.

Good day but a dose of reality that our lives will be changing dramatically very soon.

finshed... except for the selling

Here it is almost 2 weeks since I began prepping the house for the real estate market and I'm finally finished. Well....sort of. The house has been painted (interior including living room, hall, master bedroom, and both bathrooms....not to count touch-ups in the other rooms) the outside has been landscaped and a large amount of junk is now out of my house. All but installing new carpet in the master and doing a few minor things here and there it's ready.

While the house is viewer friendly and lends itself to the buying market it has begun to feel less and less like home each evening that I return after a day of trying my best to keep the children from marking up the walls or making large other messes.

With each return I'm amazed to find a sale sign in our yard, and even more amazed that when I walk in I immediately feel like I've entered someone else's home. I suppose this is a good thing...it will make it a little easier to move. I'm also saddened because the wonderful things that we did to make this house a home has vanished.

Who knew trying to sell a house could be so emotional but right now that is what it is.

My friend Jennifer came to the house yesterday to take pictures and have me sign a zillion papers so that the house would officially be on the market. I spent the entire time nervous and worried about selling my home. As much as I dislike our current living arrangements (cramped because of our growing family) it's hard to let go and know that our home will become someone else's. Another family will fill the hall with their laughter and the yard will be filled with their toys, the drive filled with their cars, and the bedrooms which welcomed each of my children to their first home will now house others.

I find myself analysing each photo that now represents my home, each word spoken as if there must be a hidden message. Do the photos show what a wonderful place this can be to live? I fear that no photo could capture the wonderful happenings that our home has allowed. I fear that every word spoken will not be caring enough to capture the beauty the walls were able to experience.

It is said that a house only becomes a home because of the happenings within. My home has witnessed the wonderful journey of newlyweds to the birth of my 3 children. This was not only husband and I's first home together it was also our children's first. I know the girls are old enough to remember their time there but wee one he's just beginning and this home will have very little importance to him.

I know that it may take a long time to sell our house that has been our home. I just hope that these months in limbo will help prepare us for the new journey we take as we prepare to move back to WV in the coming year.

Until then, prepare for crazed blogs about the difficult time I face with trying to keep 4 year olds from putting their dirty hands on the freshly painted walls, or keeping their toys cleaned up, or their inability to really live within their home. I can just hope that the house sells quickly and we are able to regain a small amount of normalcy within our lives.

Until that happens, my prayers are with Jennifer because she is trying to sell a home for a bunch of crazies....and we love her dearly for it!

rest assured i'm still breathing

For anyone who still reads this undiscovered blog just know I'm still around and am missing my blogging life very very much. I promise to return soon with wonderful moments in my life just as soon as I get all the freakin' painting, yard work, and packing completed.

Getting this house ready for the market is proving to be at least time consuming....and extremely exhausting!

Now, if I could just talk my husband into a good foot massage.

weekend review

Our trip home was just as expected. Packed full leaving Sean and I exhausted facing the 6 hour drive home. The weekend was a reminder that we miss these...

And gave us a chance to take in the wonderful view that fall offers...

which was all witnessed while we searched for a home between visiting with family and attending Sean's alma mater's homecoming football game.

We now have an idea of what is on the housing market and exactly where we might end up. Now the fun begins...getting our current home ready for the market.

Exactly how am I suppose to keep a house clean and viewer friendly with 3 little children around?? Luckily, the girls are still in WV with their Nana so that preparations can begin. Anyone want to come to a painting party???

No?????....oh well, it was worth a try.

shopping drama

With cooling weather comes the need for fall shopping. Wee one is pretty much taken care of because of generous friends with boys of their own. The girls....well that is another story. I truly detest buying pants for them.

What is it with today's clothing manufactures? I have girls, yes, but they love to run, jump, and climb. They can't be wearing skin tight jeans that are better designed for 18 year olds. I have 4 year olds and would prefer that they be dressed as such. There is no need for skin tight jeans, halter tops, or mini skirts. They are 4!

I have a terrible time shopping for them. On the rare occasion that I do find jeans that will work they have to also be adjustable waist because of the girls being so skinny. So finding something, anything is difficult.

We are heading to WV for the weekend and I'm hoping the weather isn't too cold because they currently only have one pair of pants each. I keep putting off shopping for them because I know I'll just end up getting mad at my inability to find a decent pair of jeans.

So weather god...please let us get through the trip without freezing my children's legs off. I promise I'll get them some pants....just as soon as I find a place that sells kids clothing instead of teenagers clothing made for kids. Anyone have ideas of where that would be?

Also, check me out here today. I'm one of The Mom Trap's featured readers.

tongue tied

Dear wee one's tongue,

Where have you come from? You used to stay in my son's mouth and mind your own business. Now, you are sticking yourself out all the time at any and everyone. You have taken my son's cute smile and made it a silly one.

Don't get me wrong, I find this new silly smile funny, entertaining, and down right cute. I'm just wondering while most babies discover their hands and feet why my son has decided to spend his time discovering your purpose and the many many ways he can thrust you out of his mouth.

He chews on you, sticks you out at unsuspecting bystanders, and pulls on you as if he would really like to see who and what you are.

Thanks for entertaining my son and if possible could you help those stubborn teeth pop on through....they seem to be giving him a fit.

she works for peace

This weekend wee one and I spent our days involved in Parish Social Ministry Training. It was a weekend full of strangers (well strangers in the sense that I have never met them before but not really strangers because you instantly feel like you know them kind of thing) and important information. It was in a sense a reawakening that because I am a mother there are other things I want and feel compelled to do.

A little less than 4 years ago I decided I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I knew that I felt a great desire to help others. I wasn't exactly sure in what capacity, but I knew that helping was it. I thought about being a school counselor, I thought about being a family counselor, I thought about all kinds of things but it was only after meeting one very special lady that I truly understood what it was I felt I was suppose to do.

Before actually getting to know this lady I saw her as this extremely busy, hand in every pot, crazed church lady. I remember seeing her practically run around church talking to everyone and basically getting everyone going. Now, that I know Kathy I see that she is indeed extremely busy and usually has her hand in several pots....and on occasion is a little crazed while working but she is much more, so much more. What does she do you may ask, well actually telling you everything she does would take days... but in short, she finds ways to help others and help our parish. She feeds the hungry, helps the poor, the elderly, the displaced, those in need. She helps and supports life.

She embodies such positive energy and faith that she makes any task seem possible. She welcomed me, a goofy, confused, recent college grad, and insane mother of 2 into her midst and attempted to educate me on what she did and how I could help.

I still don't know how she gets all done that she does and find enough hours in the day to help so many. However, if you asked her, she would simply say, " I ask". As simple as it sounds it works for her. When she needs others to help, she asks and more often than not they lend a hand. If they can't help this time, she catches them the next go around. With her ability to simply ask she gets the help she needs and thus helps as many as possible. I wonder if she knows that by letting me help she in turn helped me.

After I became pregnant with wee one I found it more and more difficult to put in my very few hours at the church. She being understanding told me to rest. Since Michael was born my free time is even more difficult to come by and yet she understands and still invites me to meetings and attempts to keep me involved.

This weekend was just that, a chance to get involved in something. So with wee one at my side I made the drive up to spend the weekend with Kathy, several other ladies from our parish, and around 145 other people from different places.

I spent the weekend learning and engaged in conversation about the sanctity of life, in all its forms. Regardless of the topic it all came back to respecting life. I learned about immigration, peace vs. war, globalization, poverty, and about "building a culture of life".

I learned so many things this past weekend and I'm sure that as the weeks pass I will share many of them but I just wanted to take today and thank Kathy for allowing my eyes to be opened and for allowing me to follow her around. She has done this by just being who she is....an amazing woman who's willingness to help knows no bounds.

I hope that in the months to come I am able to continue to learn from her... and always call her friend. She has much wisdom to offer and one of the most caring and compassionate hearts I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Thank you for sharing your gifts and for allowing this crazed mother so many opportunities. It has and will continue to be greatly appriciated.

So in the words I often hear Kathy say, "Work for peace".

out of the dark and into the sunshine...bet you didn't think I could do it!

It would seem that my mommy life is sometimes confusing for readers. They take one look and determine that either I am extremely unhappy or that I enjoy a good complain fest. Let me reassure you that I am neither unhappy or a constant complainer.

My blog is primarily dedicated to the dirty side of being a mother. More often than not all I find are smoke and mirrors that are determined to show parenting as only this most wonderful experience. And, while I agree that there is nothing better than being a mom, I also know that there are days when you would rather get in the car and drive away than to deal with your child(ren). Possibly this is just me but I don't think so.

I just think that voicing that thought seems scary and wrong so many of us attempt to pretend it doesn't exist. I don't think it is wrong. I don't believe there is anything wrong with speaking up and saying this whole being a mother thing can be really crazy, and sometimes down right difficult.

However, just in case you don't believe I can deal with the sunshine...try this on for size.

Lately I look into my children's eyes and more often than not I'm brought to tears because I love them so much. They are growing by leaps and bounds each day. Ireland is starting addition today and Erin is now writing and recognizing written words. Michael still can't roll over from his back to his stomach but with each smile I could honestly care less if he ever rolls over.

Each day my children find a way to steal my heart. I want to cry when they are upset and I want to rejoice when they are happy and excited. I live my life right along side my children and I love every minute of it. I love those terrible want to run away days, because it makes those wonderful moments and days so much better. I have the great opportunity to know how far we have come. What's also amazing is that we haven't made the journey alone. We have some astounding friends and family who encouraged and helped along the way and I know they will continue to do so....because that's just the superb type of people they are.

If it wasn't for the incredible group of women I meet through our church's MOMS group I'd be a shut-in with a lot less sanity. These women helped me get out of that stinkin' cry room and live among the land of the living in church....they helped me see that it's okay to want more out of life, and that most importantly I have to take care of myself in order to care for my children.

If I didn't have my fabulous mother who graciously gives me at least a one week break during the summer I'd probably be hiding under the bed. She manages to make time around her busy life to take her grandkids and show them a wonderful time. She visits at least once a month and whisks me off to buy clothes when needed or just to treat me to a dinner out. She does all this knowing that when she arrives back home after a visit she will be exhausted from the trip and heading right back out the door for work the next morning.

My in-laws have also been a saving grace. They offer to keep the girls so my husband and I can venture out for dinner or to get a home project completed. They (I should say my mother-in-law since she does most of the work) find special activities to do with the girls and are willing to be Sean and I's sounding board when needed.

You see this whole parenting thing is a journey, one that never ends. Once you master one aspect another is already knocking at the door needing your attention. It's the greatest journey you will ever have the pleasure of experiencing.

Join me, ride this incredible roller coaster along side me. Enjoy every moment knowing that each day won't be a joy. Each day will have its own obstacles to overcome, but when you get over them you can smile because in that moment you know you are succeeding...your making it.
Join me in the dirt please...cause living motherhood in the trenches isn't so bad. It's rather fun...even when the children pull down sets of curtains right off the wall leaving gaping holes, or they think that decorating the kitchen with flour makes it pretty, or that running off and hiding is funny while they watch you in a panic searching for them.

It's dirty and I'm not afraid to say so. This doesn't mean I don't appreciate and remember all the wonderful help I've had along the way or that I don't like being a mother...it just means that maybe another mother will read and take away that it's okay to admit it's difficult and will gain some courage and self-respect. Maybe she will see that sometimes what we consider failing carries the greatest reward. Maybe, when she reads she won't feel alone, and she'll know that there are many others out there struggling right along side her, doing our best some days to just keep our head above the water.

imperfection may just be good for you

After reading my blog list this morning I've come to realize that as mothers we take way too much crap from other people. Somehow we let people who know very little about our lives influence our decisions.

For example, take the ever popular IzzyMom battling the leash. I instantly understood her frustrations because I actually caved in after family and friends spoke out against the purchase of one. Looking back, it might have made life with twins easier and maybe I should have stood up and did what I wanted.

Why as mothers do we fall victim to every one's opinions? Why do passing strangers feel the need to comment on what they feel we are doing wrong?

Not so long ago going to church with the girls was miserable. They didn't want to sit still, they wanted to run around and explore. We would bring toys and coloring books but even with these items our children would occasionally speak out loud during mass as the most inopportune times. We would be told by complete strangers that our children belonged in the cry room (which if you don't' know is this terrible room in which you are allowed to watch the church service through windows...cut off from civilization). These other members of the parish would speak their "concern" aloud to us in rather unfriendly ways.

I don't know how many evil looks I would receive during mass and often would leave feeling defeated and unwelcome which isn't the way anyone should leave a church service.

Going grocery shopping I would be seen chasing a child or scolding a child....on really bad days someone would hear me threaten to spank my child if they didn't behave. This of course received many unwelcomed looks.

It was a no win situation. If my children ran around acting like....children, I would be scolded by these other people to please control my children. If I attempted to control them, I received scoldings about how it wasn't appropriate for me to do so.

So what the hell did these people want from me? They wanted my children to be poster children. Those cute little kids who sit and are always behaved. I'm sorry but my children are all child. They love to explore, they love to run, they love to enjoy life. I correct them when they do something that is uncalled for or inappropriate, but I want my children to enjoy their childhood.

So, I'm empowering myself....if you don't like the fact that my children may get overly excited by getting to visit the toy aisle or that they cry when their feelings are hurt or that they think that church lasts too long sometimes, or that they get impatient when having to wait 35 minutes for their food then by all means walk on by....give me your dirty look....share your thoughts. BUT....don't expect me to change my children to soot you. So you don't agree with how I am raising my children...GOOD....they aren't your children.

I am not a perfect mother. I don't have perfect children...and guess what neither do you. I know your are recovering from shock right now but it's high time we embrace our flaws....our imperfectness. No longer should we attempt to carry that "perfect mommy image" because in the end all it does is break us down and leave us feeling like regardless we have failed.

When you visit my house chances are it will be dirty. There will be toys on the floor along with a few crumbs. The dishes may not always be done and the beds may not be made. My car may be filled with toys, diapers (hey at least they are clean), a nursing pillow, and crumbs. I may be scatter brained more often than not and be incapable of carrying on an adult conversation but I guarantee my children will look back and know they enjoyed their childhood.

They won't remember the dishes being clean or dirty. They won't remember if some goofy stranger didn't approve of how they acted, but they will remember the relationship they had with their momma and if they had fun or not.

So take off your perfection hat and embrace a little craziness...it just might make your children's day....and maybe even yours.

cutting the fat

We are attempting to cut out the fat. No we aren't having plastic surgery although my mid-section could use a little tuck. Oh okay, it could use a big tuck. Don't judge, you try having twins with no personal trainer to help out after the kidlens arrive.

Anyway, we are attempting to cut back on expenses. If this move does end up happening we would like to be in a better place financially. If the move doesn't happen, we would like to be in a better place financially.

So we have started today. Husband called this morning and cut back the cable. I'm sure this was bittersweet for him considering ESPN will now be missed and I know this wasn't much fun for me since TV has been my main source of entertainment once children are in bed. Regardless, sometimes you have to do without for things you desire.

Along with cutting back on cable I am making an effort to cut back on the air conditioning I use each day. Usually I end up cooling the house an additional 2 or 3 degrees during the day but am trying to keep the temp set and see the big picture. I won't be sweating, stinking up the house but I will be padding my pockets once that electricity bill comes.

We have installed energy saving light bulbs. The bulbs have been in for at least a year. We read somewhere that if every home would replace something life 5 bulbs with these energy saving bulbs they could shut down at least one power plant. Don't' know if it's true but I do know our electricity bill dropped after installing them.

We are setting a strict budget for outings and groceries. Basically, it's making sure the right hand knows what the left hand is doing type of stuff.

Normally, Sean simply trusts me to make sure the bills are paid and that as far as expenses go that I will take care of it. I don't mind this but in order for us to take responsibility for a future goals we both need to know what the other is doing so we keep from spending $18.85 for dinner at McD's simply because we didn't feel like cooking.

With 2 toddlers (at what point do toddlers become children?), a baby, and two adults, food costs can quickly get out of control. Each child wants a different snack and desires different items for dinner or lunch, the parents want different snacks and easily fall victim to cravings leading to unnecessary food purchases.

So we are attacking this whole food thing from the aspect of planning. We are going to start planning the weekly meals and only purchasing items needed for those meals and snacks. Set a budget for those items each week and stick to it. If you go over...something must go back.

Sure, this may not be the most fun thing we could do but I guarantee when time rolls around and we have some extra money to help with the purchase of a new home, car, or medical expenses we will be glad we agreed to do this.

Now, that I've said all this...does anyone know how to cook? I think I might need some lessons. I suppose Foodnetwork.com will become my new best friend so I can have some help planning those meals.

How do you budget? What are your techniques for saving money? Any advice to share??? I'm all ears.

it's only tuesday...oh great

So far this week is a trying one. My husband possibly broke one of his toes so he is hobbling around. We found out it could be as late as April before we know anything about a possible move (isn't it so nice of them to leave us ample time to sell our current house and purchase a new one so we will have a freakin place to live if we do make the move) and my husband's store was robbed. ...and it's only Tuesday. Granted, I suppose this all means my husband is technically the one having a crummy week and I'm just riding his shirt tale.

The toe will heal so no major worries there, the move...I think I'd rather not talk about it now since I'm both saddened and angry that my life will have no resolution for months, but the robbery I feel like my husband isn't safe regardless of where he works.

A couple months before the girls were born my husband was attacked my masked gunmen who robbed the pharmacy he worked at in Durham, NC. With the way the pharmacy handled the situation we knew we had to get out of Durham and we did. But now, he's getting robbed in a small, mainly retirement community and I feel like nowhere is safe.

I understand that this is a complete blow up on my part since this time a gun wasn't involved and no one was hurt. However, the fact remains that given my husband's chosen field it doesn't seem to matter where we live this could/will happen.

I just fear that one day he or his employees won't be so lucky and someone will be seriously hurt. I also hope that this is the most excitement we see this week. Until the end of the week I'm contemplating just climbing under the covers and staying there. Maybe I'll just stay in the house the remainder of the time I live here.

The children in the neighborhood can ride their bikes past my house saying, "that's where that crazy lady lives who won't leave her house." They can all dare each other to come and ring the doorbell to see what I do.

how a cotton ball saved my life

So after a few ideas about my on going potty wars we have attacked the dilemma from a new angle.....cotton balls.

No, no we aren't making her eat them, or making her stuff her underwear...we are using them as a kind of reward system.

The girls and I took a trip to pick up some plastic containers and cotton balls. I wrote their name on a piece of paper and then allowed them to decorate the remaining paper. We put the paper on the container and thus their reward jar was created.

For each time miss Erin goes to the potty she receives one cotton ball. We are also using this system to promote kindness and cleanliness. With each good deed and willingness to pick up their messes they get a reward of one cotton ball. Bad behavior results in the removal of a cotton ball.

When either child reaches 10 cotton balls they get to pick out a special treat. Erin after two days (and not a single accident I might add) has collected enough cotton balls to get her first prize. She picked out a bag of candy necklaces...which she gladly shared with her sister.

Maybe I'll win this whole potty war....and maybe, just maybe my children will learn numerous lessons along the way. Our plan is to continue to raise the bar on the whole potty business so she has to eventually make it a week with no accidents before she gets a reward while working in some big prizes for saving up the cotton such as a trip to the movies or dinner out alone with parent of their choice.

Cotton jars for now seem to be doing the trick. I'm sure we will have days when things aren't always so sunny but for now I'll gladly take a break.

through the eyes of a child

When wanting to play outside on her own, Ireland began creating what she called her special projects.

I believe this one is reminiscent of the Pillsbury Dough Boy but she calls it, "No Kiss" .

Don't ask....I have no idea.

But I love that she not only used her chalk but she sought out other mediums. She included one of her Easter eggs, bark, fake fall leaves, and green leaves from one of the plants in our yard.

She may drive me crazy with her ability to climb walls and terrorize a room in under minutes, but my little artist sees the world in a way I could only hope to.

potty wars continue, i'm raising my white flag at midnight

I'm at my wits end. I've had it....and I don't know what else to do. My oldest (she is older by 2 minutes!) refuses to pee in the potty all the time. She knows it's wrong to pee her pants and yet she does it at least 3 times a day. It isn't like she doesn't know how, she was potty trained at 2 and somehow we have backtracked to the point she refuses to pee in the potty while she is at home and sometimes when she is at other people's homes.

It isn't like I haven't tried a variety of solutions. I've tried setting a timer and telling her to go potty about every 15 minutes. I've tried talking to her. I've tired the whole being supportive and praising her when she does go by herself while not getting upset when she does pee in her pants. I've tired spanking, I've tried time out, I've tried everything I can think of and I'm out of ideas. I need help. I honestly don't know what else to do.

With everything I try she still pees all over herself. I find her sitting in a corner holding her pants so she doesn't have to go to the potty. She would rather pee all over herself than take the 10 steps to the potty. I keep hoping that maybe she will just outgrow it but that just doesn't seem to be happening.

She is due to start school next year and honestly I can't even think of sending her if she continues this, I'll have to hold her back. I tried pre-school last year and she still managed to pee herself at least once a week and she was only at the school for 3 hours.

The doctor just says she is just learning but at this rate the learning curve is so long she might be 10 before she grasps the concept. I don't know what is wrong, it's either her or I and every time she pees in her pants rather than in the potty I would just rather drive off a cliff or jump off a 15 story building than deal with it because now every time it happens I just see red. She instantly knows its wrong, and yet she would rather cover it up and stay in her wet pants.

What amazes me is that this is the same child who awakes during the night to go pee in the potty. So it isn't like she doesn't know how or that her bladder is so small she can't hold it...she can awake from sleep, walk to the potty, and pee.

I'm loosing the potty wars and honestly I'm beginning to feel like I don't have the strength to even continue to try and fight. I'm so close to just putting her in pull-ups and being done with it. I'm tired of washing underwear every day just so she can run through them again the next day. I'm tired of not understanding...I'm just tired.

Anyone have twins who took a really long time to potty train? Anyone have secrets to share? Anyone out there that can offer even a small glimmer of hope?? Come on I'm dying here....I need a life line.

warning: breastfeeding obscene, use caution ahead

What is your first reaction when you see a breastfeeding mother? Just curious...

I'm one of those breastfeeding mothers, although I doubt that you will see me doing it since I'm way too uncomfortable whipping it out everywhere. These large friends are to blame. Even with that being said I don't mind seeing mothers feeding their babies. I don't somehow feel I've just witnessed something obscene.

Myspace and Facebook however have taken the stand that pictures of breastfeeding mothers are just that...obscene. When reading about it here and here I realized that it wasn't some silly joke. I thought I must be dreaming because these are the same sites that allow their users to put up incredibly provocative photos such as this which I found on Myspace within a minute.

Regardless of what they allow their users to add to their page it seems the argument against removing a picture of a breastfeeding mother seems at least one sided. If you are going to remove her photo please do us all a favor and remove all those photos that show any kind of nudity. Yes, remove all baby photos in which the child appears to even be slightly nude, remove all photos of women half dressed, leaving nothing to the imagination, remove all those groups promoting anorexia as a weight solution....remove them all. Otherwise you are just a giant stinking hypocrite.

Call me crazy but I just don't understand why someone is afraid of a mother feeding her child. Even my children are on board, breastfeed those babies!