I enjoy writing. I do it almost every day now. I've noticed however that the more I write the more my mind works as if I were writing. Take today for example.
After sending our Aussie family on their way yesterday, today was to be a return to normal schedule. While on our way to swim my father drove past us, looked right at me, then continued on his way.
I spend the next 45 minutes trying to rid my mind of the passing. If it had been anyone else I would have remained unshaken looking forward to my swim. With it being him I immediately fell apart and have remained as such.
All day I find my mind writing short stories about the passing. Dialogue runs through my mind as if I were reading a book.
"She spoke to everyone as if nothing had happened all the while wanting nothing more than to retreat to the couch. She could plant herself there for the next three days and silently deal with the pain she felt, the pain she felt every time she saw him now. She just wanted to disappear but even that she knew would not give her the answers she wanted.
Why was it so difficult to love her?
What was wrong with her?
Trying to shake the thoughts from her head she dove back into conversation wondering if her heart breaking was loud enough for everyone around her to hear? Did it register on her face?
It mustn't...no one asked if something was wrong. She would be safe at least for now. She knew that if someone were to ask she would become unglued and there just isn't time for that."
It rattles on and on in my mind about everything. Today was no different...only the context more straining on the heart, filled with a sadness, and just wanting the thoughts to vanish.
I wonder how true writers deal with this inner voice? Do they carry recorders to help catch the words spilling out or is there a trick to harnessing it so that when you sit to write it is contained and free flowing?
Or, am I simply in need of a good nap and possibly a good dose of meds from the ol' doctor?
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
i'd write something really smart if i only knew my brain still functioned
Two weeks have passed and I am beginning to feel as if I will literally fall over from exhaustion.
Two weeks ago this evening my step-dad almost died. He apparently has been walking around with several blood clots....all of which ended up in his lungs. On Friday 13th of June, he not feeling well, ventured to the hospital only to find himself fighting to stay alive and landing himself a nice spot for several days in CCU.
Some people deal well with hospitals and relying upon others for the most basic of things....he isn't the greatest hospital person. He did fare better than expected but it was a trying week.
He is now home and things seem to be progressing. Recovery is slow and we still don't know all needed information but things are looking good.
We have also had the wonderful pleasure of having our Aussie family visiting. Husband's oldest brother and his family have come for a 2 week visit that ends this Sunday.
It has been an amazing visit. Our niece who was only 2 upon their last visit is a spit-fire at 6. Her brother who was only a few months old their last visit is a walking/talking 4 year old.
My girls have been so excited with new cousins to play with that I can barely get them to sleep at night. We have had 2 sleep overs and countless hours of family time.
We also had the wonderful pleasure to welcome a new member to the family as number 5 in the O'Sullivan household has found himself a lass who is just crazy enough to take on the O'Sullivan name in the near future. Welcome to the family M...here's hoping you can still put up with all of us in 10 years. lol
With family visiting Sean also came home for about a week which only added to our joy. It was just long enough to make his departure even more difficult. Needless to say we are hoping feverishly that he will be returning permanently very soon.
Upon all else that has been happening my mom had surgery today. Luckily everything went well and she is at home recovering and hopefully will find herself feeling better than she has in years very very soon.
2 weeks and more has happened than I can normally fit into a month. I'm exhausted and hoping that a good sleep is not far off in the distance. It's been a wonderful and difficult two weeks...but one I am sure to remember for years and years to come.
Here's hoping the next 2 are more calm. I do have two little girls anxiously awaiting their 5th birthday in 3 weeks.
Two weeks ago this evening my step-dad almost died. He apparently has been walking around with several blood clots....all of which ended up in his lungs. On Friday 13th of June, he not feeling well, ventured to the hospital only to find himself fighting to stay alive and landing himself a nice spot for several days in CCU.
Some people deal well with hospitals and relying upon others for the most basic of things....he isn't the greatest hospital person. He did fare better than expected but it was a trying week.
He is now home and things seem to be progressing. Recovery is slow and we still don't know all needed information but things are looking good.
We have also had the wonderful pleasure of having our Aussie family visiting. Husband's oldest brother and his family have come for a 2 week visit that ends this Sunday.
It has been an amazing visit. Our niece who was only 2 upon their last visit is a spit-fire at 6. Her brother who was only a few months old their last visit is a walking/talking 4 year old.
My girls have been so excited with new cousins to play with that I can barely get them to sleep at night. We have had 2 sleep overs and countless hours of family time.
We also had the wonderful pleasure to welcome a new member to the family as number 5 in the O'Sullivan household has found himself a lass who is just crazy enough to take on the O'Sullivan name in the near future. Welcome to the family M...here's hoping you can still put up with all of us in 10 years. lol
With family visiting Sean also came home for about a week which only added to our joy. It was just long enough to make his departure even more difficult. Needless to say we are hoping feverishly that he will be returning permanently very soon.
Upon all else that has been happening my mom had surgery today. Luckily everything went well and she is at home recovering and hopefully will find herself feeling better than she has in years very very soon.
2 weeks and more has happened than I can normally fit into a month. I'm exhausted and hoping that a good sleep is not far off in the distance. It's been a wonderful and difficult two weeks...but one I am sure to remember for years and years to come.
Here's hoping the next 2 are more calm. I do have two little girls anxiously awaiting their 5th birthday in 3 weeks.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Jesus poop
Erin, "Mommy, I need to poop."
Mom, "okay, go to the bathroom then."
Erin, "come with me, I need help."
Mom, "okay, but you have to do it yourself."
A few minutes pass
Mom, "Erin, you need to finish pooping."
Erin, "Jesus only gave me one."
Mom, "Jesus made your poop."
Erin, "No, he just helps me poop"
Mom, "okay, go to the bathroom then."
Erin, "come with me, I need help."
Mom, "okay, but you have to do it yourself."
A few minutes pass
Mom, "Erin, you need to finish pooping."
Erin, "Jesus only gave me one."
Mom, "Jesus made your poop."
Erin, "No, he just helps me poop"
Friday, June 6, 2008
seperation anxiety
This morning started off rather well. It was kind of like a Saturday. The girls didn't have preschool and we slept in later than normal and then enjoyed a leisurely breakfast.
During this time however I received a phone call. One that I had anticipated happening for weeks now. On the other end of the line was my husband...explaining that his store opening had indeed been pushed back and now he was rather uncertain when he would be moving home.
We have went from the end of May to looking more like July/August now. I have been living without him, raising our children, and attempting to rebuild a home since the end of January. It is beginning to wear on the kids, him, and myself.
We have lived separately for almost 5 months now. We only get to see one another about once a month and even those visits are only a few days. It is beginning to feel like he will never live here with us.
I know that as difficult it is on us, for him it is rather lonely. Constantly coming home to an empty house that isn't his own. Constantly eating alone and no leisure activities with friends. At least I have friends and family that are attempting to keep the children and I busy in his absence.
I want Sean home more than anything and I'm rather fearful that summer will come and go and I will find myself taking the girls to their first day of kindergarten without him. I'm afraid he is going to miss this and so many other moments. He has already missed so many moments.
He's missed Michael's first steps, missed the girls first season of soccer, missed on all the wonderful and special moments that have taken place lately.
He now faces being homeless on top of everything else. Given that summer has started the homes are being rented which puts Sean on the street. Given how much the prices go up during summer it doesn't look promising that he could just get a hotel room either...that is if one where to be available.
He's worried about ever getting home, worried about having a roof over his head...and well I am too.
Absence may make the heart grow fonder but I'm tried of waiting...I'm ready to get back to married life. Ready to feel whole again.
During this time however I received a phone call. One that I had anticipated happening for weeks now. On the other end of the line was my husband...explaining that his store opening had indeed been pushed back and now he was rather uncertain when he would be moving home.
We have went from the end of May to looking more like July/August now. I have been living without him, raising our children, and attempting to rebuild a home since the end of January. It is beginning to wear on the kids, him, and myself.
We have lived separately for almost 5 months now. We only get to see one another about once a month and even those visits are only a few days. It is beginning to feel like he will never live here with us.
I know that as difficult it is on us, for him it is rather lonely. Constantly coming home to an empty house that isn't his own. Constantly eating alone and no leisure activities with friends. At least I have friends and family that are attempting to keep the children and I busy in his absence.
I want Sean home more than anything and I'm rather fearful that summer will come and go and I will find myself taking the girls to their first day of kindergarten without him. I'm afraid he is going to miss this and so many other moments. He has already missed so many moments.
He's missed Michael's first steps, missed the girls first season of soccer, missed on all the wonderful and special moments that have taken place lately.
He now faces being homeless on top of everything else. Given that summer has started the homes are being rented which puts Sean on the street. Given how much the prices go up during summer it doesn't look promising that he could just get a hotel room either...that is if one where to be available.
He's worried about ever getting home, worried about having a roof over his head...and well I am too.
Absence may make the heart grow fonder but I'm tried of waiting...I'm ready to get back to married life. Ready to feel whole again.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
four letter word
It's finally happened. I've heard those dreaded words from my child...from this little person who I love so dearly.
"Mommy, I HATE you."
After immediate tears (from me) and a conversation (with Erin) about how using the word hate isn't appropriate (we should use "I don't like" instead because words can hurt) I've realized this is more like a right of passage than a critic on my relationship with my daughter.
Sure, in her 4 year old mind I'm sure she hates the fact I make her clean up her messes. I'm sure she hates the fact I scold her and even punish her when she acts out. I'm sure she hates that she is stuck with me constantly instead of quality daddy time.
I get it...her life isn't a bed of roses right now. However....and I say this strongly.
What the hell????
I used to pride myself in thinking I could handle it when my child said this. I knew that when it happened it would most likely be because I was doing my job as a parent. I was standing my ground and carrying through with needed morals and rules.
I just didn't expect the words to exit my 4 year old daughter's mouth. Four....isn't that a little young to hate your mother???
I shouldn't be taking this so hard...she also informed me she hates monsters, hates kissing boys, and hates hates hates it when I'm mean. Apparently every time I correct her I'm a horrible boy kissing monster who in her mind is perfectly acceptable to hate.
It just stings more than I ever thought possible. I was prepared (or hoped I would be) for when my teenagers informed me of their disdain for my rules and requirements. I knew it would happen then...I expected it then. Even knew preteen was a possibility, but 4....that I wasn't ready to experience.
I suppose it is inevitable that at some point in time a mother will hear those dreadful words from their child. I just wonder if a mother is actually ever capable of not allowing emotions to come into play after the words hit the air?
Is it possible to hear such words and not be affected? Are we so wrapped up into our children that with a quick tongue lashing we can be brought to our knees when we should be taking it all with a grain of salt?
I suppose the true answer depends upon the child and situation. My daughter doesn't actually hate me...she simply disliked my course of action. In other situations maybe it allows the mirror to pass before our eyes and see an error in ourselves.
While I believe my daughter meant no harm the mirror did pass before my eyes and let me tell you...I'm absolutely frightened of my daughters as teenagers. I'm not prepared. Hopefully the next 9 years will prepare me and allow me to become a better parent.
As mothers we are called to be many things for our children I just don't believe we are ever prepared for the many things are children are to us. We expect to teach and mold our children but along the way our children in return teach and mold us. Hopefully in the end we are all better because of it.
"Mommy, I HATE you."
After immediate tears (from me) and a conversation (with Erin) about how using the word hate isn't appropriate (we should use "I don't like" instead because words can hurt) I've realized this is more like a right of passage than a critic on my relationship with my daughter.
Sure, in her 4 year old mind I'm sure she hates the fact I make her clean up her messes. I'm sure she hates the fact I scold her and even punish her when she acts out. I'm sure she hates that she is stuck with me constantly instead of quality daddy time.
I get it...her life isn't a bed of roses right now. However....and I say this strongly.
What the hell????
I used to pride myself in thinking I could handle it when my child said this. I knew that when it happened it would most likely be because I was doing my job as a parent. I was standing my ground and carrying through with needed morals and rules.
I just didn't expect the words to exit my 4 year old daughter's mouth. Four....isn't that a little young to hate your mother???
I shouldn't be taking this so hard...she also informed me she hates monsters, hates kissing boys, and hates hates hates it when I'm mean. Apparently every time I correct her I'm a horrible boy kissing monster who in her mind is perfectly acceptable to hate.
It just stings more than I ever thought possible. I was prepared (or hoped I would be) for when my teenagers informed me of their disdain for my rules and requirements. I knew it would happen then...I expected it then. Even knew preteen was a possibility, but 4....that I wasn't ready to experience.
I suppose it is inevitable that at some point in time a mother will hear those dreadful words from their child. I just wonder if a mother is actually ever capable of not allowing emotions to come into play after the words hit the air?
Is it possible to hear such words and not be affected? Are we so wrapped up into our children that with a quick tongue lashing we can be brought to our knees when we should be taking it all with a grain of salt?
I suppose the true answer depends upon the child and situation. My daughter doesn't actually hate me...she simply disliked my course of action. In other situations maybe it allows the mirror to pass before our eyes and see an error in ourselves.
While I believe my daughter meant no harm the mirror did pass before my eyes and let me tell you...I'm absolutely frightened of my daughters as teenagers. I'm not prepared. Hopefully the next 9 years will prepare me and allow me to become a better parent.
As mothers we are called to be many things for our children I just don't believe we are ever prepared for the many things are children are to us. We expect to teach and mold our children but along the way our children in return teach and mold us. Hopefully in the end we are all better because of it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
