get out and get moving

Currently, I'm exhausted. The last few days have been most enjoyable and yet leave me with very little energy.

With Sean home (visiting since he still hasn't been moved) we have been spending time allowing the girls to explore what makes WV special to us. We have enjoyed climbing on rocks, checking out the amazing mountains, and taken in a waterfall or two. The great thing....it's free and the kids are loving it.

With each trek through the woods you would think we paid a million dollars for the enjoyment our children are experiencing. Ireland amazed by each new thing she discovers. Erin taking in the mood and possible danger with every turn while pointing out how it's so amazing. Michael just soaking it all up and taking a moment to pick up a rock and checking the taste.

It may not be the beach but it sure is beautiful and amazing in it's own right. It's one of the reasons we moved back. Sean and I have been here before. Exploring all the "woods" have to offer. Seeing the amazingness nature has to offer through a waterfall or how amazing the trees and grass smell after a rain.

It's all new to them...and so inspiring. It's a reminder that the outdoors have so much to offer, we just need to get up and get out there.

So let's all get moving.

from the mouths of babes

Ireland, "After I sleep will daddy be here?"

Me, "honey he will be here tomorrow night but you will already be asleep."

Ireland, "So he'll be in the bed with you when I wake up?"

Me, "yes"

Ireland, "good, that is where he belongs."

working through the kinks

The last few days have been rather sluggish. Partly because I've been rather moody and slightly overwhelmed. But hey...I'm a mother, it comes with the territory. At least for me it seems.

Anyway, today after dropping the girls off at preschool I spent some time in the kitchen. Yes, I know...not a place I'm known to be spending my time, but non the less there I was. The great thing is that I wasn't in my own kitchen...I was at my aunt's.

We made rhubarb pies and rhubarb preserves. Many people may look at rhubarb and wonder why someone would each such a thing. Let me tell you that if you love sweet and sour....you are truly missing out if you aren't eating this stuff.

Not only was the food we were preparing good but it was nice to spend some calm time with someone I love so dearly.

It was a reconnect if you will. Sometimes the things we need are the simple things. And, sometimes we just need to make time for them!

With my calm start to the day I felt more energized to head home and hit the workout. One hour of cardio today...I'm feeling great and that half marathon might actually become a reality. I'm not giving in or up yet....there are still a lot of miles in these tires and I've come to realize that the better care I take of myself, the better care I take of my children.

the waiting game...not for me

I wear my feelings on my sleeves often. I try rather hard not to and for the most part am able to accomplish that but when those closest to me act in a manner that upsets me I find it rather difficult to just shrug it off.

I'm also a planner. Each day has a list of things to be accomplished and the day is fairly mapped out. I even plan days in advance. For example this Wednesday I'm making rhubarb preserves and pies which involves dropping girls to preschool, picking up aunt, going to grocery store to pick up necessary items then spending some time preparing the rhubarb.

Today, my plan was to straighten up the house, do laundry and go through those last few boxes. I had scheduled in a workout while Michael was napping with a quick trip to my favorite (yeah right... I can't stand the place) store before picking the girls up at 12:30.

To which afterwards I would mow grass.

Then plans changed because a friend wanted to work out with me. I rearranged my day. Made the necessary phone calls to procure childcare so I could go...then....nothing.

One delay turned into me just waiting around. Call babysitter not once, not twice, but three times because of waiting on someone else. Usually, I wouldn't be waiting around.

So finally after waiting all I could I put Michael down for his late afternoon nap and started back at my list that I had pushed back all day. Called the babysitter, cancelled, and sat on the floor and cried.

I try really hard to treat people the way I wish to be treated. I try really hard to understand that other people carry a different set of importances than I. Today, I didn't do so well.

When a friend calls to make plans and I can work it out, great. However, when I feel like I'm being jerked around it makes me angry and very sad. Open ended plans are one thing but when you set an approximate time that requires a mother of three to make plans then casually and slowly blow her off...it hurts.

I just wish it didn't bother me so bad. I wish planning an outing were easier and I wish my friend understood how the indifference towards me today truly hurt. Granted, I wish I had the courage to just call and give voice to my hurt....I just don't want to cause drama on such a special time for them so I remain quiet...and hurt.

Being a mother requires planning be involved rather than being able to fly by the seat of your pants. It takes time and effort to arrange childcare, time and effort to plan a child's necessary events such as dinner or naps into the day. Which I guess is why motherhood can so often be lonely. Others don't have to play by your rules, your timelines, leaving you holding the bag while everyone else is out playing.

hope and faith

My children, especially Erin, are interested in everything relating to God/Jesus. Each day at least 5 questions are thrown my way relating faith. This morning for instance the questions surrounded Erin's rosary.

Several questions about a rosary in which she loves. She began by explaining that Mary gave it to her and that she wants to take it to school to show everyone. She said she wanted to let everyone know about God.

She then asked why the rosary was special. Why Jesus was on it and why it was white. Then the questions became a little more complex. Well what are the prayers that go with the beads? Why won't the children at school understand what I'm talking about? Why don't you know all the prayers? Can you call Mary and get them...I know she knows. Well, why is Jesus on the cross instead of God? Why would his dad let him die?

I admire my daughter's enthusiasm concerning religion. Lately, I've even found myself wishing I possessed her faith.

The truth of the matter is that currently I'm disconnected. I'm angry, hurt, and lost.

I went to mow my aunt's grass the other day and re-entered the house only to find my daughter listening to the bible on CD. She was telling me all about it and demanded that the next time we visit she be allowed to listen to more.

She is thirsting for it, desiring it so deeply and I'm having trouble even talking to her about it.

This wouldn't be a huge problem if those that are filling the gaps were Catholic. However, they aren't and are beginning to teach my children things I don't want them to hear.

I don't want them to be afraid of their religion...their faith. I don't want them scared and the fire and brimstone isn't what I want for them.

I have difficulty in understanding religion based on fear. How can we promote peace and love if religion is based on fear and hatred of others?

So many take a negative view on Catholicism mainly because they aren't educated on what being Catholic truly means. I've even heard it said that Catholics aren't even Christian....by the way, that isn't true!

I want my children to have the option to truly embrace their religion. I want them to know what being Catholic means...and what it could mean to them. I'm encouraged by their willingness and desire to learn without me pushing it down their throat.

Beyond their own faith I want them to be knowledgeable about other faiths. I don't want them learning stereotypes and passing judgements upon others because of differences.

I want my children to embrace differences and see how much one can truly learn by opening yourself up to new things and new possibilities.

Catholicism after all didn't just fall in my lap. I wasn't raised Catholic. I was raised Southern Baptist which if you know anything about Christianity is about as far from each other as you can get and still be in the same religion.

I grew up with others voicing problems with Catholicism. However, I also grew up with the understanding that it's okay to be different.

My journey to faith was a long one. It took me a long time and a lot of reading to come to a place in which I felt comfortable choosing what I felt was right for me. I chose Catholicism.

Currently, however, I seem to be choosing nothing. I am finding it extremely difficult to connect with my faith. Just pray people keep telling me...but when you fear you aren't being heard or you question the very existence it makes it difficult to even pray.

With my struggle comes the difficulty to continue my responsibility of providing information for my children. My role to guide and teach them about their faith. Give them the tools to find their own path.

If I could simply climb this boulder in my path maybe I could better serve my children. Right now, I'm just working with hope. Hope that while I struggle my children won't. Hope that my children won't suffer because of my difficulties. Hope that someone/something will offer the insight and help I need to reconnect. Hope that this too shall pass.

a need to return

I've been rather hesitant as of late to write. It's almost like I'm afraid of it currently. I want to....have actually sat down several times with the intent and been unable to do so.

So many things have been happening. The girls finished their first season of soccer. Michael now has 10 teeth and two more working their way through. The girls had their first full day at their preschool/daycare. I've really started to hit the workouts hard (thanks to Ash!) and am feeling better because of it.

Also, mother's day came and went. Plus, my father-in-law is back in the hospital for the last of 3 heart surgeries.

With so many happenings I've found it difficult to commit to my love of putting paper to pen or hand to keyboard. However, it has come to the point in which I must force myself.

Time to get off the couch.....turn the TV off....and spend some time with my thoughts and daily happenings.

I mean what isn't fun to write/read about a mom who is dealing with faith issues while her children ask about God/Jesus 50 times a day? What isn't fun about dealing with twins who seem to fight every waking moment and are missing their daddy terribly? And finally....what isn't fun about a little boy who can't seem to get enough of life which leads to all kinds of bumps and bruises.

Top it all off with a near fight between myself and a daycare provider and you almost have a novel.

Yes, time to remind myself of the importance of spending some time with my daily happenings while hoping a couple readers will stop by and say hello.

Tomorrow....I hit the computer! Well, at least my fingers will hit the keyboard.

the journey home

Now, with 3 (well actually 2 considering after the first month I high-tailed it back to the beach) months under my belt in WV I'm beginning to realize it's going to take much more work to allow this place to become home.

Yes, it is nice having family so close. Granted, I don't see them very often. I do see my mother much much much more...and I get to spend many hours with my best friend. The remainder of the families....not so much.

I seem to be doing a rather good job of holing myself up in the house despite the fact I take the girls to school each day and take them to soccer twice a week. I talk to other mothers and I'm invited places, but it seems more often than not I don't end up going. Instead, I find myself at home or running around town with 3 kids and a best friend.

In many respects I like that....very much. My friend has her significant other hours away as well. It makes for a nice fit if you can figure out why a college student would want to hang out with a mother of 3. Granted, she isn't like most college students and thinks my kids rock....so of course we love her!

However, this wonderful time with her will end. Upon graduating she will soon leave the state for Georgia and we will be back to limited phone calls since neither of us are big on talking on the phone and emails. Sure there will be visits but it won't be the same.

She will begin the struggle of creating a new life much different from her current...and I back to figuring out how in the hell to recreate a life in the mountains.

You see, NC was very wonderful to me. After 2 years I managed to find my way. I began making friends, finding my niche, and creating a life.

Yes, I missed my family and wished we could see more of them. At the same time however I was grateful for the space. It, as many things, was a double edged sword.

In NC I managed to complete my college degree and found a desired path. I realized what I wanted to do with my life while there. I was taking steps to create a career I longed to have and now I'm back at the drawing board.

In NC I loved my church. Most of my friends came from this parish. It was this parish that allowed the beach to become home. They opened their arms and allowed me to offer what little I could, while offering opportunities to work towards my goals. I was involved.

I also was able to continue contact with several special ladies I came to love during college. These woman were working towards similar goals as I and we pushed each other, encouraged and helped one another.

It is true that the friendships you make in college are some of the most wonderful.

Now, contact is strained.

My current church/parish leaves me missing home. Attending mass is difficult. The family that is Catholic is rarely attending the same mass so I'm there with 3 kids alone. There aren't as many opportunities to be involved for someone in my position. The church is incredibly smaller and thus the activities provided.

I find myself doubting my faith as well as myself. I feel as if I'm incapable of parenting 3 children alone. I find myself back at the moment in which being yourself is difficult because so many don't know who that is. It's rather difficult to accept the new kid in town.

Granted, I usually don't make that easy. I'm a loner by nature. I would much rather be reading a book or writing than socializing. I'm a very blunt and open person yet very guarded. And, while I so enjoy my alone time I desire togetherness. I enjoy talking with friends yet so often I lack the ability to reach out.

I'm caught between the person I want to be and the person I need to be. I feel like someone is asking me who I am and the titles I give myself won't all fit in the box.

It took me 2 years to make NC home. In that time I moved twice and gave birth to twins. Only after those things happened was I able to branch out and even then it was only because a dear friend gave me the opportunity.

Right now, 2 years seems like a very very long time.

I believe the saying goes something like...change is good but never easy.

I guess I would agree with that.