thinking of you today

Two years ago just barely a week before Christmas my father-in-law was rushed into heart surgery. It caught us all by surprise and we were all scared of losing him. Today, he is having heart surgery again. This time it isn't a surprise, it's a scheduled surgery with much more prep work. We knew this one was coming, we could prepare ourselves. The problem is that with all the time in the world you can't really prepare yourself for the possibilities. You sit staring at the clock guessing what is going on and how much longer you think things will take. You pace by the phone afraid you will get a phone call....and terrified you won't get one. You are caught between a world of knowing and not knowing...unsure of which is better.

Today, as I type my father-in-law is having surgery while my mother-in-law and 3 of their children wait at the hospital. 3 other children are attempting to maintain their normal activities. There are children to care for and jobs to be done all the while knowing and not knowing what is going on...unable to help and wanting to help all the same.

Along with the 6 kids there are the wives, husbands, and grandchildren today with thoughts on the patriarch of the family. All of us carrying a special place in our hearts for someone who lights up the world with his smile and witty humor... for someone we know as dad or pop.

Today, may God hold you in the palm of his hand and keep you safe...and may he safely return you to us with a body and mind to last many more years. Dad/Pop we love you and are sending prayers and best wishes to you today and always.

caught in the middle

Last night we ventured out to eat something rather than staying home (eating whatever we might find left in the cabinets so that it doesn't have to be thrown out or moved 7 hours).

Ireland was having a rather difficult day. She was whinny and not feeling very well. Upon leaving to partake in dinner she began to question her age....as well as her sisters.

Then her world fell apart. She found out Erin is older. The poor kid cried the rest of the drive to the restaurant followed by crying through most of dinner and even remarked over her dislike of Erin being older on the way home.

Ireland kept begging between tears, "mommy please make me older, I don't want to be smaller".

Who knew 2 minutes could make such a difference in a little girl's life.

Sorry Ireland, I can't make you older but please take some comfort in that you are older than wee one. And yes, I know that doesn't matter since Erin is older as well.

Sorry sweet girl....welcome to your world as the middle child.

parenting....survivor style

We interrupt this move to bring you more interesting parenting tidbits.

I am in the midst of raising twin 4 year olds. The whole twin part I don't give much thought about...I just have two kids the same age. This whole 4 year old thing....it's kicking my bum.

We are right between being a toddler and trying (desperately wanting but not quite there) to be a kid. We are in the midst of why. At least 400 times a day I am asked why questions. It's never ending.

Since these twins are my first children they are the experiment. They are the learning curve in motion. They are the mistakes of parenting brought to light. They, are my first.

I don't remember much about them as babies. I missed out on so much because there was always so much to do. Someone always needed fed, someone always needed changed. Oh, and the laundry....oh my lord.

As they grew, parenting became more of a challenge and I quickly missed my babies... yet there was always more going on than I could keep up with. At age 2 I thought I was going to have my children taken from me because they loved to escape.

I kid you not. They would wait until I went to the bathroom to pee and out the door they went. They would work together...have one distract me while the other escaped. Someone it seemed was always missing.

I installed alarms on all the doors and still they continued. I would go running at the sound of the alarm and yet they would hide, thinking it was funny. They always seemed to have one over on me.

I can't even begin to explain the many tears I shed and the worry and stress that surrounded each day. I just knew that the neighbors were going to call DSS and my children would be pulled from my home because of my inability to keep them indoors or clothed for that matter.

Luckily, we survived. We waged the war and when age 3 arrived I thought maybe things would calm down.

Yes, this age was different. Less stress, less worry....not so much. Now, they colored furniture, walls, and anything else they could find. They began to climb walls and the hiding became more ridiculous. We battled potty training....and battled and battled.

They began to have more of a mind on their own which was wonderful but completely overwhelming at the same time.

Now, age 4. This is proving to be the most challenging yet. I still feel like I'm battling potty wars. One has an incredibly difficult time getting to the bathroom in time and the other has such constipation many a tear are shed.

They have attitudes like teenagers and a smart mouth to match. They have thought processes that leave me bewildered and laughing all at the same time. They are so desperately trying to be children yet somehow caught between two worlds.

I realize that I am part to blame for their confusion as their little lives have been changing more often that I seem to change wee ones diaper. New homes, new experiences, new challenges.

During this year 4 I'm finding that I am not as intelligent as I had hoped. I do not know why a rock is just a rock. I don't know why God thought it was better for Jesus to be on the cross than himself. I don't know why that red truck is parked beside the road or why some man we just passed is smiling.

Unfortunately, "I don't know" doesn't appease 4 year olds. And any answer given only leads to another why and another why and another why until I can't even remember where I'm going or my name for that matter.

I find that I hurt their feelings more often than they or I would like. I have found that my patience is easily tested and that I'm so grateful for bedtime.

In all the craziness that seems to envelope our lives I find that I love them more than I ever felt possible. I want to hold them close and protect them from the world and yet know that doing so will only harm them more. I want to help them become the wonderful young women they are destined to be and yet find myself banging my head against the wall because the road is such a long one.

With parenting it's so easy to get caught up in the day to day that the end result seems unattainable. However, keeping one eye on the goal is helping to serve as a reminder that all the hard work pays off....even if not right away....or even if not in my lifetime.

Because.....being a parent means you walk with a lot of faith. Faith that you can make it though the day. Faith that small things like picking noses and making it to the potty will end just before larger concerns appear. Faith that not only will your children survive you but that you can survive your children....and survive yourself.

reality of a changed world

We are just days from closing on our new home. And...while I am extremely excited about the house I'm not so happy about leaving my friends and husband in NC....not to mention leaving the ocean. It's kind of my sanity and calming oasis.

I am excited to set up a new home...unpack thousands of boxes....arrange furniture...purchase furniture and have a place that is all our own. It's the whole leaving a place I love part that is throwing a damper on the situation.

I am stuck between two worlds. The first is my current location. I live near the ocean and hear the quiet waves beat upon the shore each time I leave the house. I also life in a place in which husband and I started our married lives together. We have made it on our own here for 6 years...come next week. We relied upon each other which really strengthened our relationship.

Here, we can hull ourselves in the house for weeks without hearing from anyone. No friends pop by or drop in....very few phone calls and usually no one notices if we leave for the weekend. It's rather quiet.

Don't get me wrong, I have made some of the most meaningful friendships while living here. It is just that here....friends as well as ourselves have lives. We each have children to care for and jobs of one kind or another that keep us busy. There isn't a lot of time to just hang at each other's homes. Then again, maybe there is and we just don't do it. I don't know.

The other world is much different. There is no ocean yet amazingly beautiful mountains. In this world family lives just a few miles away and could pop in at any moment. There are friends we've known most of our lives that are more like family than some family. They are the type of friends who stop by and make themselves comfortable in your home as if it were their own...ones that would use the back door rather than the front.

It is a world in which everyone knows about your life, sometimes they know more than you know and use it for conversation. Small town gossip type of thing. It's a world in which the poor and disadvantaged life next door to the upper middle class. Run down trailer right next to $250,000 home. It's inescapable. You leave your house and it is thrown in your face.

I suppose while living in WV I was rather blind to this, accepting it as just life and nothing more. Now 6 years later, it screams to me as I drive by. It talks to me as I leave church and am asked if I have money to spare. It's everywhere.

My ocean world is quiet. One must search for the poor and disadvantaged. They are not so easily seen. Yet, in my mountain world you can't escape them. The only problem is that in that mountain world too often the poor aren't helped because that run down shack has raised 3 generations of family and they wouldn't have it any other way.

Helping, which is what I feel is my calling, can be rather difficult when what you see with your eyes isn't always what it seems. Poor these people may be, uneducated...maybe, helpless.....loudly no.

I suppose the hardest part about this move is that it's different. Different than the mountain home I remember. Different because memories are often part illusion. Hard because I'm unsure of my place among the masses. Hard, because moving means starting over in a place that requires dealing with some repressed emotions.

If only I could find a way to have the new house, my mom, and select others move here.

Or just maybe....this is one of those "road less traveled" things and it's going to "make all the difference".

Time will tell and if you are interested.....I'll bring you along, one blog at a time.

2 weeks

2 weeks from today I take up residence in WV. I will leave behind my home and attempt to create a new one in the mountains of WV. In 2 weeks I leave knowing that I won't be coming back...that NC will no longer be home.



I once mentioned moving to WV in one of my posts. I was in a sense asking for help. I was hoping that husband would offer to give me a break once in a while so that I could get out of the house and regain a small social life. I was hoping the thought of WV would awake husband to the fact that while I don't bring in a paycheck I still work all the time.



I wasn't wanting to move back. I'm not sure I want to move back. However, I'm moving back. I'm leaving the ocean I love and a church that I have come to love. I am leaving some really good friends...I'm leaving a world in which I could be myself without there being a expectation placed upon my head. I'm leaving a world in which was my own and entering one in which the very essence of how I live my life must change.



I am entering a world in which family is all around, a world in which the past is all around.



There is something to the old adage that you can't go home again...at least in my eyes.



I'm returning to a place that is not my home. I'm returning to a place in which I ran from, never wanting to return. I'm returning to a place in which stress and heartache are well known and I'm scared to death.



I can only hope the positives of this move overshadow any negatives that may exist because right now all I seem to know if fear. And fear my friends...is a lonely companion.

time running out

I've been delaying writing this blog. Thinking somehow that complete excitement would take over and this sense of dread and sadness would leave. However, I've waited a week and while I am excited....the feelings of dread and sadness are gathering a storm overhead.

The wonderful news... we have found a house and are currently set to close the end of this month. With this wonderful news comes the stark reality that children and I will be living by ourselves in new house for at least 5 months since husband's new store opening has been pushed until summer.

While I will be near family thus will have help I really don't want to make this move without husband. I really don't want to take on parenting solo....or for that matter getting the girls registered for school, celebrating wee ones first birthday, setting up a home, and the thousand other things I will now have to do solo...just one parent....just me.

While husband will talk with the kids on the phone each day and will venture in on weekends when he isn't working, there is still going to be much more time without him than with him.

You see, I'm one of those wives who actually enjoys spending time with my husband. I'm one of those people who would rather spend an evening home with hubby than out drinking or at some party or well... anything. I enjoy talking to him and we do a good amount of talking. I enjoy being with him.

While I know that we can survive this minor separation I know that the empty place in the bed at night or the excitement from the kids the moment he walks in the door can't be replaced by a phone call or a visit every once in a while. There will be a noticeable void in our lives.

I worry that phone calls will become sad because he will be missing the kids (and I) while we are missing him. The phone calls will become a reminder that he can't be with us, and the visits, a reminder that he must leave us.

They (not sure who "they" really are) say that growing usually is difficult. Given how easy everything has been to this point I can't help but wonder if this is the price we must pay to move.

So, tomorrow we are off to spend some time in WV. See the home we are purchasing once more, deal with inspections and appraisals and size up furniture, visit with friends and family, and hopefully some much needed family time.

In 3 weeks we make the move....we close on the house and take up a new residence. We set up home knowing that after a very short few days a very important part of the family must travel back without us and it will be several weeks before we see him again.

3 weeks left in NC....3 weeks left of beach babies....3 weeks left with NC family and friends...3 weeks of beach sunsets and sunrises...3 weeks left of the smell of the ocean each time I leave the house...3 weeks left of a united family. Gosh, is just doesn't seem like enough time. No time at all really.