7 years

My girls turned 7 on the 17th. Hard to believe it's been that long...but then again some days it feels like it should have been 10.

You see people don't tell you parenting can suck at times, that your children aren't always going to be this unblemished ball of perfection. You aren't prepared for those moments when your children bring to your attention that you aren't the parent you set out to be. You are never ready to hear "I hate you" or "I wish I didn't live here". But they happen.

I'm not the parent I thought I would be. It would seem that some of that behavior I loathed as a child stuck with me. I sometimes yell at my kids, have to leave the room cursing, and there are days when I just don't want to be home with them.

Now please before you think I've jumped off the deep end hear me out. Admit it, there are days when you just don't want to be a parent. You can even go stretches of years in which you are in love with parenting and in love with your kids and then there are times when you just want to shake them and ask what is going on in that brain of theirs.

There are moments in which I don't like my kids very much because of something they have said or done. BUT...even when I don't like them I love them beyond measure.

It's such a tricky road we walk with our kids. We battle each day to help them become the best possible adult they can be and yet we pass along our bad habits, our outlooks, our craziness when we aren't even looking.

For the past several months, maybe even a year, my girls have been pushing the limits of my sanity. Each day seems to be a battle of wills. Hopefully, this fight is one I'm still winning. Although, some days they clearly have me waving the white flag.

The week leading up to my girls birthday they had been so disrespectful and so unwilling to listen that I felt I had no option but to begin removing toys and anything special from their room/lives. First it was Barbie, then dolls, then dress up clothes, followed by anything that was left. This series of bad events ended with tears on my behalf because I had no other option than to remove their books. And if you know me at all I love books and so desperately wish to pass this on to my children.

Suddenly my girls were without any toys or books to keep them busy. There was no tv, no video game to occupy their time. They could play outside, sit on their bed, or work on summer workbooks.

This might just be working. After several days without all those toys they had their birthday and received many great gifts from friends and family in which I have permitted them to keep in their room. They were informed that their behavior was what would determine if they would continue to have those toys.

So far, things seem to be looking up. Which is very welcomed.

The day those girls were born my life changed. At exactly 1:40pm on Thursday July 17, 2003 I knew what it was like to love beyond measure. Then I was privileged to experience that exact same feeling a mere 2 minutes later. It was the most amazing thing.

I've said it several times. My girls pay the biggest price being my oldest. They must live through my learning curve as a parent. But, maybe...just maybe they will come out of it the best possible adults they can be.

So with another year in the books as a mother of twins I feel the need to celebrate, cry, and hug them even tighter. The road ahead is very rocky but I wouldn't miss it for anything. They gave me the privilege of being a mother, I owe them the work of being a good parent.

Happy birthday Erin Paige & Ireland Grace!!! Momma loves you!!!

needed

I've abandoned my writing...as always it becomes the first thing I fling to the side once life goes speeding down the stairs. The problem with this is that it's one of the things that help me remain centered, mindful, and peaceful.

All of which I currently need.

Have you ever had a thousands questions thumping your brain? Incessantly banging and bringing no answers. It's driving me crazy at the moment.

I spent much of my childhood filled with drama of one kind or another. The drama was never ending and if life did grant me a reprieval I would begin to freak knowing the next event was just moments away. I found myself unable to function without the drama....I expected it, demanded it.

Then, one day I grew tired. I wanted peace, space, quiet.

While my married life has not been drama free the majority of it is calm and easy going. If that is possible with four kids.

Lately, the drama has weaseled its way into my life and has begun to strangle the very air I attempt to breathe.

So I find myself desiring a return to my center. A need to write, even the simplest of words. I need to recognize that even in the smallest amount this is my me time, my attempt to care for myself. So...let the writing begin. I hope.