My sweet little girls started kindergarten yesterday. While this is in no way life shattering and it hasn't sent me into a depression like other mothers, I can't help but wonder where the past 5 years have gone.
I still remember the first time I saw Erin. The doctor lifted her up over the curtain covered in blood, she cried slightly and I was overcome by the incredible feeling of love, fear, and possibilities all wrapped up into one.
Ireland, I remember the few moments before she was born. I could hear her sister crying, and I could feel her literally being pulled from me. I don't remember the first time I saw her but I remember the last moment she was apart of me, I remember the very moment before I could hold her in my arms.
The two moments though completely different are one in the same to me. The second just as important as the first. Both the very first moments I had with my daughters, my little girls.
Through the years there have been moments when I felt the task of being a mother to twins to be too much. I felt that it was a job I had mistakenly been given because there was no way I could accomplish the task.
The moments in which they climbed over and under everything, the ones in which they would run out the door and hide, the ones in which they would find baby powder or the many other hundred things kids get into and making a complete mess. I remember them learning to walk, learning to talk.
All a step towards the next milestone, the very next moment that would yet again solidify the girls independence and my ongoing job as a parent.
Ireland just a couple weeks ago thought it would be funny to cut Erin's hair. So, she quietly made her way behind her sister and cut a huge chunk out of Erin's desire for long hair. Out of love she then cut her own hair to hopefully make up for her sister's unhappiness.
Two little lives so intertwined and yet all their own. Yesterday, the grew up, even if just a little. They found themselves for the first time spending most of their time apart, each in a different room with a different teacher and different obstacles to overcome.
Yesterday, I grew up too, even if just a little. I watched as one child sat frightened and yet wouldn't let me or anyone else know it. Bravely she faced the unexpected refusing to allow anyone to know she was afraid. I watched as the other, the one I thought would have the most difficulty, openly embrace the new challenge. She said, "I'm just so excited" which was ever so present upon her ear to ear smile.
Today, I watched as they did it for the second time...and watched as the same fears and excitement stretched across their little faces.
I've gained a freedom by having the girls in school. Each morning I awake and prepare them to have another guide and direct their days. I entrust my children to another. For the first time in 5 years, I don't know what exactly happens during my daughters' day.
It may be the first step of letting go but I understand the fear now. I get the fear of not having your kids around...wondering if they will make good decisions or if the will ask for help when needed. While I understand what faces a 5 year old to be less life threatening than what they will face as teenagers or adulthood I also know that it's these formative years that help later in life.
I know my girls will be fine in the long run. I know they can handle whatever comes their way because while they are still learning to think and do on their own...I'll be right there waiting in case I'm needed. You see, that's my job and I have to trust that I'll done the best I can up until now. I have to hope and trust that even though I'm no longer a part of their every moment that they still understand I'm there for them and I have to hope that they have gained enough self-confidence and morality to begin standing on their own so when faced with two different paths...hopefully they choose to behave because I don't want to be spending my new found freedom in the principals office.
