how much do we really care about all people?

I haven't wrote on here in a long time.  Mainly because my actual life is do busy when I have time to stop I would rather relax then write. Now, however in this very odd situation we all find ourselves in I have some free time.  Please excuse the mess while I re-stretch this muscle of writing.

So let's get started...


WTF?  How did we all get into a situation were there is an actual pandemic so we have to navigate all our daily problems under the microscope of what can happen if we even leave our home?  Plus, the issue of people having no home to stay within. It's the ultimate showdown of how much we care about others.  And then if we really care about others are we willing to risk ourselves to help them while also asking that of others.

It throws no many things into a tailspin with special circumstances for every resulting situation.

There's a pandemic, kids can't be at school.  But they get their food for the day from school.  Ok, we will risk ourselves and make sure school children have food. But by doing so you put every one of those kids at risk because something could happen and our precautions aren't enough and these kids could become victims of the pandemic we are trying to protect them from.  It's constant.  There is no "only one right answer". It's driving my mad!

I feel like I'm watching a survivor style existence battle between most of Bernie Sanders platforms and this pandemic.

Most things you do for yourself in some capacity means other humans are having to put themselves in danger.  Even the act of needing and buying food.  You go to a grocery store, you put yourself at risk plus those you live with while also putting everyone else at risk for being the reason they need to be risking themselves.

It's the ultimate my life is more important than yours but only possible because of others.  So we make sacrifices, we determine what risks are ok. For some that's flooding the internet with shopping for delivery so we don't have to go out. That means people in places are gathered to fulfill these orders putting themselves in danger. And these people are usually those that don't get supported for wanting their jobs treated as an essential part of society.

Take Amazon for example.  They have had issues in distribution centers of people having COVID-19.  Those that work there don't get paid enough to be risking themselves to be there but they also just expect the company they work for to take steps to better protect them so they can meet the needs asked of them.  The deserve better working conditions.  Thus we have corporations putting monetary value on human beings. How many can we sacrifice to maintain a profitable and essential need requirement? And it's wrong that a company does this, ever. However, they are allowing others to maintain staying at home protecting themselves.  So it's an endless cycle of the "essential" employee needing to have the public care enough about them that they are at least:

1. Paid a wage that supports them and their families
2. Healthcare so if they, while putting themselves at risk, get sick they can be taken care of without having to worry about losing income or their healthcare
3. Closing the loopholes available to corporations to keep from providing those first 2 things. 

Now in solving this issue other problems arise from childcare to what constitutes good healthcare. All of which need solved in order for the two original needs to be met.

Which all leads me back to...

WTF!!! How did we get into this bad of a situation.  

Yes, the word hero fits!

I'm reached my limit with seeing negative posts about Caitlyn Jenner.  Let's for this post remove religion from the conversation because I have no desire to feed into that delusion.  For this post, I'm sticking to the word hero. For starters:

 Hero:  

1. a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble
qualities.

2. a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal: He was a local hero when he saved the drowning child.

3. the principal male character in a story, play, film, etc.

4. Classical Mythology.

1. a being of godlike prowess and beneficence who often came to be honored as a divinity.
2. (in the Homeric period) a warrior-chieftain of special strength, courage, or ability.
3. (in later antiquity) an immortal being; demigod.

5. hero sandwich.

6. the bread or roll used in making a hero sandwich.

 

 

Many people look up to athletes.  Many have been called heros and whether they have liked it or not have been seen as role models.  Bruce Jenner was a hero in this sense for many because of his Olympic/athletic accomplishments.  So by the first definition it would be safe to say Bruce Jenner had a distinguished ability and was thus a hero.

 

It is this second definition I want to focus.  I first realize that "in the opinion of others" is where many can and have said Caitlyn Jenner is not a hero.  I strongly disagree but believe you have your right to believe as you wish but I DO NOT understand or condone your willingness to tear this person apart simply because she doesn't fit your definition of hero. 

 

The transgendered community has a hero in Caitlyn Jenner because her ability to transition into her true self will give hope to those struggling, she will serve as a reminder to those contemplating suicide that they can survive.  Caitlyn Jenner will save lives because she was willing to be so public about her struggle and her fight to become who she always felt she was.  The fact you try to discredit this is part of the problem. 

 

If you can hear the statistic that over 80% of transgendered people experience some form of harassment and that nearly half of all transgendered youth have contemplated suicide and gain no understanding of why acceptance is important than you are part of the problem. 

 

It takes incredible amounts of courage to stop being what you think you have to be or what people think you should be. It takes courage to stop playing your life by others standards.  It takes courage to tell people something you know they won't like or accept and risk loosing their love and support.

 

Too often in this world we try to make everyone fit our definitions of what we believe they should be.  We have struggled as a country to realize all people are created equal.  I am horrified by the fact that too often we spew hatred to those different than us as if somehow we are better. 

 

Instead of constantly trying to tear people down why not try to build them up?  Instead of saying Jenner isn't a hero because she isn't a soldier, cop, or fireperson why not realize that one does not take away from the other.  Saying Jenner is a hero does not take away from the soldiers who risk their lives to protect others.  Saying Jenner is a hero does not take away from the cops who save children from violent situations or the firemen/women who save people.   

 

My writing this blog does not take away from the millions of impressive writing by others. 

 

I tell my kids all the time that just because their sibling does well does not mean they did badly.  My daughter's running accomplishments are not diminished because her sister is faster.  My daughter's hard earned B in math is no less important because her sister breezed through for yet another A.  We are different and that's okay but we shouldn't be using those differences to tear each other apart.

 

Spouting about how Jenner isn't a hero just makes you a shmuck because you are trying to diminish another person's accomplishments.  Yes, I said accomplishment because that is exactly what it is.  It is an accomplishment that is a beacon of hope to all those struggling with accepting who and what they are while working up the courage to step out and say, "This is me".

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Constant Work in Progress

I am not one who spends all my time or money giving to those who are less fortunate.  I don't have a charity I prefer and I am not constantly doing things for other people.  This is not to say I don't try to help my fellow human or that I'm not willing to help others. I do what I can and often times I know it isn't enough.

I have no ideas of gradeur.  Long gone are the days that I dreamt of writing books or changing the world. I'm happy to simply exist in it and do what I can with the time I have.

I am not a perfect parent.  In fact most days I feel like a complete failure as a parent.  I am not always calm with my kids which has only taught them impatience. I scream which I know is horrible and I curse.  These aren't things I'm proud of but I also think that all in all my kids will turn out okay even with these flaws.  I would rather have my kids know I'm flawed and see me own my mistakes than pretending I have it all together and figured out. 

I am a work in progress.  I've been this way since birth and I expect it to continue until I die.  I have plenty of areas in my life that are lacking and others that are overflowing.  There is no one title or job that defines me.  I am called by a name in which I have spent most of my life disliking although I am stubborn enough that I will never change it.  I am a complexity of things as are all of us.

I used to think of my childhood as something to overcome.  It was this horable series of events that kept me from accomplishing all I was capable of while giving me an excuse as to why other things didn't work out the way I wished.  I learned to live as if at any moment the other shoe would drop and often it did.  It was dramatic, it was hell, and it was perfect.

With plenty of therapy to help me navigate my way and a husband who loves me beyond all understanding I feel that while it wasn't an ideal childhood it was the one I was meant to have and it allowed me to become the person I am today. I'm grateful for it even if along the way it has cost me a relationship with my father and his family.

None of it is easily explained.  It can't be filed into a cabinet and doesn't allow for a lifetime of mistakes. It will always be part of me but it doesn't have to define me or control me.

I am a child of divorce.  My parents were high school sweethearts who married too young with a list of issues themselves that became more than they could survive together.  My dad cheated for whatever reason he had and the marriage colapsed.  That didn't make it impossible for me to accept love or make me believe marriage is evil.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse.  I was molested by my stepbrother who had a whole list of issues himself.  It was horrible and it took me a long time to come to terms with it but I did.  It may have cost me a relationship with my dad but I don't blame him for it or hold any animosity.  I wish it hadn't happened and I have no desire to ever see that person again but it didn't ruin my life. It will always be something that I live with but it doesn't control me.  My dad wasn't equipped with how to respond or what to do once he found out and I truly believe it hurt him too, he just didn't know what to do in response.  I know my dad loves me even if he doesn't know how to show it.

I grew up with an abusive alcoholic stepfather. My mother picked a hell of a guy for her second marriage and somehow through all the insanity they make it work.  I have little desire to spend time with this man but again he has his own issues and I believe he is sorry.  He does well with my kids when they see him.  I sometimes have to stand my ground over things but all in all he tries with my kids and he's good to them.  This didn't ruin my life either.  It has cost me years with my mother but we have both grown and hopefully come out the other side better, stronger people.

My point, life is hard.  Shit happens.  A lot of crazy awful things can happen to us and it can be hell. However, it doesn't have to hold us captive.  It doesn't have to paralyse our lives.  Sure it will take time to deal with and some of it is so bad it will take everything we have to overcome, but you can, if you work at it and want to. You have to be willing to forgive and accept people for who they are and where they are in their lives.  We don't all reach the finish line together so we will meet others struggling along the way and you won't be able to help them all.  You may not be able to help any of them. It may take everything you have to just help yourself.  That's okay.

You may feel so angry for a period of your life that you can't see the good anywhere.  Work through it, you can come out the other side.  All the anger may never leave but you can learn to recogize it and keep it from poisioning your whole life.  The same goes for sadness. 

I don't have it figured out.  I hope one day life punches me in the face forcing my dad and I to deal.  It will suck and it may not be pretty.  It may not even end the way I want it to but hopefully before he or I die we can come together and forgive each other.  Hopefully we can get closure.  Hopefully I can get that with most of his family too. 

I worry about my kids.  Each of them so different with a world of joy and pain awaiting them well beyond their childhood.  I've said it often that it's better to be me that sends them needing therapy than someone else.  It's a sort of joke but I'd rather be here and be the reason they need guidance once an adult than to miss out on them. They will know I love them and that I'm not going anywhere.  Good or bad I'm in it for the long haul with them.

My goal:  Be better tomorrow than I am today

I'm sure to fail a million times and I'm okay with that.  I want to be more like my sister-in-law who would give the shirt off her back to help someone.  Who with struggles of her own finds ways to be kind and helpful to those around her.  She fights for the world she wants all the while knowing she will also come up short.  She doesn't let it stop her. 

So today channeling a little of her I stopped and gave the lunch I had just bought to a man offering to work for food.  He may not have needed it. He might have been hoping for money over the food to use for any number of things but I did what I could with what I had expecting nothing in return.  I put a little good into the world for no other reason that I could.

Don't be alarmed I'm sure to be a failure before bedtime.  It's almost certain that I will loose my patience with my boys before bed and either scream or curse.  I'm sure to think something nasty about someone I know out of frustration or the belief I know better than they.  I'm bound to offend someone with my disbelief in god or fail in all kinds of other way because after all...I'm a constant work in progress.      

Too Much Too Fast

The internet, computers, cell phones all help us stay connected and informed. However, I'm noticing a trend that scares me and causes concern for my kids as well as my nieces and nephews.

In the past several days, weeks, and months I've noticed a lot of inappropriate behavior through twitter and facebook. These preteens and teens are outright slanderous. The fowl language and hatred spewed made me glad I closely watch my kids internet time.

When I was in school we weren't as connected as everyone now seems to be. Instant messaging was just becoming popular but I don't remember hearing of people harassing each other the way kids do today.

These kids seem to have unlimited and unsupervised access to the internet. The amount of preteen and teenage cursing and slander is staggering. I fully understand the teenage need to express themselves and have a voice yet there seems to be something that becomes more and more lacking as the generations continue...

Respect. I grew up at a time that if I sassed my mother or grandmother I knew I was getting a smack to the mouth. I had very defined boundaries. If you were going to bad mouth your parents, school, or friends you did so in the comfort of those you trusted with such information, not plastered all over a website.

I suppose I'm showing my age here to some degree yet I can't help but think we are doing our kids a disservice if we aren't supervising some of this internet access. I also think kids get cellphones WAY to early.

It has been said that as our children grow they become less and less ours and thus we loose more and more ability to shape, steer, and impact their choices. Allow me to call BS if you will...to some degree.

Erin & Ireland love getting online and finding games to play. They also seem to have a fondness for youtube. Sean and I have created their own access so they can only access certain sites. Granted that only works if we remember to sign out. On such an occasion they went online and began searching youtube.

Let's say I had a very quick education on youtube. It was certainly not something my kids needed to be searching. Right along with kid aproprate silly videos are ones involving sexual content and vulgar, fowl language.

My girls are only 8 and while they have grown up in a generation that is computer literate at 2 the thought of what they can see with unlimited access to the world wide web has me crawling the wall.

I'm a tough parent in some ways. My kids won't have cell phones until I see a clear need (which will be in high school) and even then I wouldn't allow internet access of the phone. I won't allow my kids to have a tv in their bedroom. They won't have a computer of any kind in their rooms until they can prove they are responsible. As with all of these things responsibility is key.

However, I'm not blinded by my kids. They will mess up, make a bad choice, get caught up in a moment. They will find themselves in trouble probably in using all of those things I am so afraid to give them. In those moments are lessons. Those are the moments that can be dealt with more easily if we do the work while they are young. Keep the doors of communication open and allow our kids to see how much we do love them.

The harder part in this... There will be moments that we parents are wrong, utterly and completely wrong. We will be the one needing to open our ears and hearts and hear our children. Step beyond what we think we know and allow for some understanding both ways.

If we don't do the work while they are young, it makes the process harder as they age. We easily become the constant enemy and sometimes making excuses for our kids. We can find ourselves saying, "but it was just an accident they didn't mean to do it" or "they are only acting this way because of something I did so I can't tighten the boundaries".

If we find ourselves not urging and teaching our kids to make good choices and help them understand the bad ones when they happen we teach them a false sense of entitlement and a lack of respect.

I'm learning that as my kids age I worry more and more. I am transitioning into the area of parenting where the actual parenting gets more and more important. Today boys, tomorrow make up and clothing, then the internet, sex and heartbreak. It's all in there and more, however it is up to us parents to listen and be prepared to talk. No topic off the table and an environment that nurtures these growing children into responsible critical thinking teens and eventually adults.

I sure hope these 4 loud and crazy kiddos and I survive. I see lots of curves ahead.