Insanity Looms

The last week I've been a ball of ever changing emotions. I've gone from being completely happy that I'm a stay-at-home mother to wishing I could get out of this house. It's amusing how quickly our attitudes can change with one event. I've been rather content with my life within the home...up until recently. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. The girls were behaving as best they could and Michael was my constant joy.

I suppose it should be no surprise that it didn't stay that way. This past week Michael became ill with temps as high as 103.7. This turned him into a screaming unhappy child, which seemed to make the girls stir crazy and I into a sleep deprived zombie. By the end of the week the girls and I were angry with each other, they attempted to "run away" that is if you count hiding in the neighbors yard and locking themselves in their room to avoid me. I was short tempered and honestly should have given them more slack.

It all came to a head on Friday when the girls basically had a sit in and refused to clean up their room so being the stubborn mother I am I grabbed a trash bag and took their toys. They really didn't seem to care at this point Ireland actually helped to put the toys in the bag which made me realize my children have way too much and don't truly appreciate what they have. Thus, they haven't gotten any of those toys back....and I don't think they will.

With all of this taking place my husband felt it would be a good time for a beach break so we spent the weekend at the beach house. It was a mini vacation and it was nice....much needed. The girls enjoyed their time in the water and I was able to even play with them some with Sean on baby duty. However, at the end of our stay I found myself loathing the start of another week. I dreaded another week of me wanting to crawl under the bed and hide from my girls, having to fuss and even yell when they disappear outdoors and manage to turn the water on while they run around naked. I wanted to hide from having to clean up the house every 5 minutes because children are anything but clean. I wanted to hide from the fact I'm alone.

My husband works during the day and is usually gone before any of us awake and arrives home right around dinner time. My friends have become increasingly busy with their children and lives and my family lives 6.5 hours away. There are no breaks and no money for babysitters since tuition continues to rise for Sean's program. I dread another week of feeling disconnected to the outside world and I bet there are a lot of stay-at-home mothers who feel this way.

When all the friends have jobs you become odd one out granted in some way I suppose I've always been odd one out. My friends are usually older than I am with children who are older thus their struggles are different and their time away from home is usually easier to come by. It just seems to be a difficult time for me right now.

I interviewed for a job several weeks ago. I was excited about the possibility of finding something that was what I wanted....a chance to actually use my talents and degree while still being a mom. It seems that my possibility will remain just a possibility and not an actualality. Non-profit doesn't pay well and by the time I pay for child care for 3 kids plus gas to get there and back I will loose money....loose enough that I can't accept the job.

I feel like the outside world is rejecting me...telling me I'm a stay-at-mother and that is all I will be. Don't think I don't enjoy being a mother, it is the greatest gift. The only thing is I don't want to loose myself in the process. I don't want my brain to turn to mush that can only discuss baby poop and wild twin antics. I want more...but then again that's the problem isn't it? Always wanting more and never being happy with what you have...where you are now. So I began to think.....what would it take for me to be happy now? And the answer was rather frightening to me.

One of two things needed to start happening.... I would either get weekly evenings out with friends (and/or husband) away from the home and children or we would need to move back to WV so that at least I could have some help...some guidance....some understanding....people to visit and spend time with away from our home..people who would stop by for a visit...people who cared enough to help me get out of the house so I wouldn't become a mommy hermit.

I suppose it's unfair to seemingly put the responsiblity to save me from myself on others but the truth is....... I NEED HELP!!!! I can't do this mommy thing on my own anymore. It's making me cranky, bitter, and unhappy. I need some interaction with the outside world! And I bet there are tons of other stay-at-home mothers who need that as well. They need a returned phone call, a visit, some understanding. They need to be reminded that they aren't alone, they do have friends and family who care enough to listen; they need a reminder that they can leave the house and they deserve some much needed time away from the kids.

So today call, visit, or just let a stay-at-home mother know you care.