Magic Wand Required

Ireland to dad, "I want to get married."

Dad to Ireland, "Who do you want to marry?"

Ireland to dad, "Erin"

Erin to all, "but I'm not a boy!"

Ireland to all, "well then I'll be the boy."

Dad to Ireland, "but you're a girl."

Ireland to dad, "I'll just get fairy godmother's wand and turn myself into a boy."

Erin to Ireland, "Well then I want to be turned into a princess."

Ireland to Erin, "Okay, I'll be the prince."


Apparently twindom knows no bounds...how amazing to love your sister so much that you want to spend your whole life with them because as Ireland said, "but I love Erin with all my heart"

Insanity Looms

The last week I've been a ball of ever changing emotions. I've gone from being completely happy that I'm a stay-at-home mother to wishing I could get out of this house. It's amusing how quickly our attitudes can change with one event. I've been rather content with my life within the home...up until recently. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. The girls were behaving as best they could and Michael was my constant joy.

I suppose it should be no surprise that it didn't stay that way. This past week Michael became ill with temps as high as 103.7. This turned him into a screaming unhappy child, which seemed to make the girls stir crazy and I into a sleep deprived zombie. By the end of the week the girls and I were angry with each other, they attempted to "run away" that is if you count hiding in the neighbors yard and locking themselves in their room to avoid me. I was short tempered and honestly should have given them more slack.

It all came to a head on Friday when the girls basically had a sit in and refused to clean up their room so being the stubborn mother I am I grabbed a trash bag and took their toys. They really didn't seem to care at this point Ireland actually helped to put the toys in the bag which made me realize my children have way too much and don't truly appreciate what they have. Thus, they haven't gotten any of those toys back....and I don't think they will.

With all of this taking place my husband felt it would be a good time for a beach break so we spent the weekend at the beach house. It was a mini vacation and it was nice....much needed. The girls enjoyed their time in the water and I was able to even play with them some with Sean on baby duty. However, at the end of our stay I found myself loathing the start of another week. I dreaded another week of me wanting to crawl under the bed and hide from my girls, having to fuss and even yell when they disappear outdoors and manage to turn the water on while they run around naked. I wanted to hide from having to clean up the house every 5 minutes because children are anything but clean. I wanted to hide from the fact I'm alone.

My husband works during the day and is usually gone before any of us awake and arrives home right around dinner time. My friends have become increasingly busy with their children and lives and my family lives 6.5 hours away. There are no breaks and no money for babysitters since tuition continues to rise for Sean's program. I dread another week of feeling disconnected to the outside world and I bet there are a lot of stay-at-home mothers who feel this way.

When all the friends have jobs you become odd one out granted in some way I suppose I've always been odd one out. My friends are usually older than I am with children who are older thus their struggles are different and their time away from home is usually easier to come by. It just seems to be a difficult time for me right now.

I interviewed for a job several weeks ago. I was excited about the possibility of finding something that was what I wanted....a chance to actually use my talents and degree while still being a mom. It seems that my possibility will remain just a possibility and not an actualality. Non-profit doesn't pay well and by the time I pay for child care for 3 kids plus gas to get there and back I will loose money....loose enough that I can't accept the job.

I feel like the outside world is rejecting me...telling me I'm a stay-at-mother and that is all I will be. Don't think I don't enjoy being a mother, it is the greatest gift. The only thing is I don't want to loose myself in the process. I don't want my brain to turn to mush that can only discuss baby poop and wild twin antics. I want more...but then again that's the problem isn't it? Always wanting more and never being happy with what you have...where you are now. So I began to think.....what would it take for me to be happy now? And the answer was rather frightening to me.

One of two things needed to start happening.... I would either get weekly evenings out with friends (and/or husband) away from the home and children or we would need to move back to WV so that at least I could have some help...some guidance....some understanding....people to visit and spend time with away from our home..people who would stop by for a visit...people who cared enough to help me get out of the house so I wouldn't become a mommy hermit.

I suppose it's unfair to seemingly put the responsiblity to save me from myself on others but the truth is....... I NEED HELP!!!! I can't do this mommy thing on my own anymore. It's making me cranky, bitter, and unhappy. I need some interaction with the outside world! And I bet there are tons of other stay-at-home mothers who need that as well. They need a returned phone call, a visit, some understanding. They need to be reminded that they aren't alone, they do have friends and family who care enough to listen; they need a reminder that they can leave the house and they deserve some much needed time away from the kids.

So today call, visit, or just let a stay-at-home mother know you care.

Happy 4th Birthday Erin & Ireland

Four years ago today I gave birth to twins. I can remember the day as if it happened just yesterday (or at least a couple weeks ago). I remember the pain of an epidural, the pain of an incision, the pain of attempting to breastfeed for the first time to two babies, and I remember the sense of relief that they both were finally here and healthy. I remember the all consuming love I instantly felt for them.

Having twins has been a journey. With each passing day, week, and year I realize that as a mother I make lots of mistakes and ultimately Erin and Ireland pay the price. They were the first, the ones in which if I fumbled so did they. Through the tears (theirs and mine) I've learned that I can always be a better parent. It's a choice I make each day and will continue to make for many years to come. This journey has been heartbreaking, spellbinding, and joyous.

I've watched two girls grow from these little 5 pound babies to these amazing little girls who love to explore and experience all life has to offer. Erin is my little mommy. She loves to clean, mother her sister and brother, and loves anything princess. Ireland is my little monkey. She climbs on everything and she never seems to stop singing. She is my little wild child.

Through all the tears, yelling, and sense of utter defeat on my part they remain these adventurous happy children…and I've never been prouder or happier. The girls are all child. Their favorite thing is to play and get into things they know they aren't suppose to…and honestly I wouldn't have it any other way ( ok, less of a mess would be nice).

Remembering where I was 4 years ago brings tears to my eyes because it was the most amazing thing. I gave birth to the most beautiful little creature that instantly stole my heart and then was able to experience it all again just 2 minutes later. It truly was parenting by fire. I was immediately dropped in the deep end and quickly had to gain my footing. It wasn't always easy but I made it. I suppose that celebrating their birthday is also a celebration for myself because it is a testament to the fact that I have survived, succeeded another year, and fought through the dark tunnel of parenting while managing to see the light coming in through the other side.

I don't want this to sound like parenting is just a black hole but I'm not about to say it's easy or that it's always happy because it's not. Parenting is the most difficult thing I have faced…or will face. With the many joyous happy moments there are almost as many tears, pains, and struggles. You find yourself guiding, teaching, molding your children and some days it seems all is lost. BUT…it is in those moments that your child somehow rescues you simply by smiling, laughing, or saying they love you. You go from this dark moment to a sea of light and hope in just a second and that is what keeps you going…that is what feeds your parenting soul.

I know that the girls and I have a long road ahead of us, full of fights, yelling, crying, and doors slamming. We still have those dreaded preteen and teenage years left. There are still so many firsts to experience and so many mistakes to make. However, today….we are going to sing, dance, smile, and act silly because we have made it….we have survived each other and another year. So I'm putting on my best princess dress and celebrating all that my girls are and all that they will be.

Happy birthday girls….mommy loves you!!!

The Dark Side of Getting Older

The past several days have been filled with heartache of one kind or another. One of my oldest and dearest friends (granted we rarely talk and never see each other anymore) lost both of his grandmothers within days of each other... while having to celebrate his 25th birthday in-between. My step-father's dad died. And for all intensive purposes my husband lost a man that was a grandfather to him. However, since technically none of these people are family (per my husband's employment) we have remained in NC sending out thoughts, prayers, and love via telephone or email.

All of these happenings have served as yet another reminder that we are getting older. Granted, that may sound strange since I am the ripe old age of 25 and my husband is 28, but never-the-less older is what we are becoming.

We have joked about being old for years…or about 4 years now since that is when our girls were born. Immediately after their arrival late nights came to a halt. No more late dinners or meeting friends for a concert. We go to bed early, wake up early and attempt to accomplish the 5000 things that must be done each day and on the rare occasion we attend a concert we spend weeks planning our departure and care for our now 3 children.

This side of getting older isn't so bad, I rather enjoy it. I like knowing I have roots. With this softer side comes a very sharp and painful side of getting older. Watching those we love and care about pass away is difficult. We have lost family, friends, and friends' family. We begin realizing that not only will we have to face our parents' death but we also face trying to explain such events to our children.

I've tried over the past several months to talk about death and what it truly means to the girls. I wanted them to understand that the bug they step on won't be coming back or that certain actions have consequences that are forever (for example attempting to carry your infant brother across hardwood floors before putting him on the floor).

Speaking with the girls about this has helped them to understand some, but now they have taken on games pretending that one is dead and the other bringing them back to life. When I try to tell them death is forever, you can't be "brought back" Erin looks at me and says, "Well it worked for baby Jesus". I'm left wondering if you truly can explain death to an almost 4 year old. When religion is in the mix and you never are exactly sure of what they understand maybe you just need to close your eyes and hope for the best.

When the time comes that they loose someone they love I just hope that we are able to handle it in such a way that our children take something besides sadness and heartbreak from the experience.

As difficult as it is to loose those we love, remembering the wonderful experiences we shared with them is sometimes the greatest gift…because those can never be taken away from us.