Too Much Too Fast

The internet, computers, cell phones all help us stay connected and informed. However, I'm noticing a trend that scares me and causes concern for my kids as well as my nieces and nephews.

In the past several days, weeks, and months I've noticed a lot of inappropriate behavior through twitter and facebook. These preteens and teens are outright slanderous. The fowl language and hatred spewed made me glad I closely watch my kids internet time.

When I was in school we weren't as connected as everyone now seems to be. Instant messaging was just becoming popular but I don't remember hearing of people harassing each other the way kids do today.

These kids seem to have unlimited and unsupervised access to the internet. The amount of preteen and teenage cursing and slander is staggering. I fully understand the teenage need to express themselves and have a voice yet there seems to be something that becomes more and more lacking as the generations continue...

Respect. I grew up at a time that if I sassed my mother or grandmother I knew I was getting a smack to the mouth. I had very defined boundaries. If you were going to bad mouth your parents, school, or friends you did so in the comfort of those you trusted with such information, not plastered all over a website.

I suppose I'm showing my age here to some degree yet I can't help but think we are doing our kids a disservice if we aren't supervising some of this internet access. I also think kids get cellphones WAY to early.

It has been said that as our children grow they become less and less ours and thus we loose more and more ability to shape, steer, and impact their choices. Allow me to call BS if you will...to some degree.

Erin & Ireland love getting online and finding games to play. They also seem to have a fondness for youtube. Sean and I have created their own access so they can only access certain sites. Granted that only works if we remember to sign out. On such an occasion they went online and began searching youtube.

Let's say I had a very quick education on youtube. It was certainly not something my kids needed to be searching. Right along with kid aproprate silly videos are ones involving sexual content and vulgar, fowl language.

My girls are only 8 and while they have grown up in a generation that is computer literate at 2 the thought of what they can see with unlimited access to the world wide web has me crawling the wall.

I'm a tough parent in some ways. My kids won't have cell phones until I see a clear need (which will be in high school) and even then I wouldn't allow internet access of the phone. I won't allow my kids to have a tv in their bedroom. They won't have a computer of any kind in their rooms until they can prove they are responsible. As with all of these things responsibility is key.

However, I'm not blinded by my kids. They will mess up, make a bad choice, get caught up in a moment. They will find themselves in trouble probably in using all of those things I am so afraid to give them. In those moments are lessons. Those are the moments that can be dealt with more easily if we do the work while they are young. Keep the doors of communication open and allow our kids to see how much we do love them.

The harder part in this... There will be moments that we parents are wrong, utterly and completely wrong. We will be the one needing to open our ears and hearts and hear our children. Step beyond what we think we know and allow for some understanding both ways.

If we don't do the work while they are young, it makes the process harder as they age. We easily become the constant enemy and sometimes making excuses for our kids. We can find ourselves saying, "but it was just an accident they didn't mean to do it" or "they are only acting this way because of something I did so I can't tighten the boundaries".

If we find ourselves not urging and teaching our kids to make good choices and help them understand the bad ones when they happen we teach them a false sense of entitlement and a lack of respect.

I'm learning that as my kids age I worry more and more. I am transitioning into the area of parenting where the actual parenting gets more and more important. Today boys, tomorrow make up and clothing, then the internet, sex and heartbreak. It's all in there and more, however it is up to us parents to listen and be prepared to talk. No topic off the table and an environment that nurtures these growing children into responsible critical thinking teens and eventually adults.

I sure hope these 4 loud and crazy kiddos and I survive. I see lots of curves ahead.

how quickly they grow

It's finally happened. My girls have discovered boys. We have talks about boyfriends, kissing, holding hands, and who likes who. I knew it was coming but I honestly hoped I had a couple more years before it began.

Ireland now has a boyfriend and I have found all the sweet notes in which she has filled the spaces with her expression of love for this little boy. He has called the house and invited her to come to his basketball games and she came home with a nice box of chocolates on Valentine's Day, not to mention a sweet heart necklace she wears constantly.

She has definitely been bitten by the love bug and while I know it is the sweet innocent type of love that should be easy and worry free for parents. Well, most parents. I on the other hand am flooded with desire to have many age appropriate conversations about behavior since love has entered the air.

I realize my over reacting is from my childhood experiences and I want to save her from any possible harm. I had the sweetest childhood boyfriend for most of my elementary school experience. I was lucky and still count his mother and himself some of the sweetest people I know. But while he was sweet there were others during that time that were not.

I am torn between wanting to keep my little girls as innocent and free as possible and wanting them to have enough knowledge to protect themselves if needed. I don't want them feeling as I did in that they couldn't speak up or fight back. I want with all that I am to protect them from ever feeling that kind of pain.

I realize I am projecting and while I want to save them from all evils I will be unable to do so every time. I must continue to keep the lines of communication open and constantly reassure that regardless of what happens good or bad I will always be there for my girls, for my children. I want them to know my love for them is unconditional and I want them to feel safe to talk freely.

If I can't keep them talking what chance do I have to guide them along the way? If they don't trust me with their successes and fears how will they trust they can come to me with their disappointments?

Life is full of unpleasant occurrences. It is full of ups and downs and they will undoubtably get hurt along the way just as they will have those moments of pure happiness and jubilation. I can't protect them from the world because by trying to do so I rob them of the wonderment of the world.

I know that the toughest years are still ahead of us. I know without a doubt there will be tears shed both in joy and in sorrow by us all. I have a heavy heart when I think of these years ahead. It is during those years my children will begin to make their own decisions. They will realize that at the end of the day they choose the path they walk.

I can guide and offer advice, but I will be unable to make the decisions for them. I will have to trust that I taught them well and empowered them to trust in themselves. I want them to always remain open to the wonders of the world, to love wholeheartedly, have the strength to tackle any challenge and understand that no matter the situation I will always love them and do what I can to comfort and help.

Today is innocent. One daughter with a boyfriend and another who at this point wants to remain alone for all her life. I honestly don't know which is scarier to me, but I'm grateful that my girls are only 8 and there are many more years ahead of them to truly come to understand themselves and what they want out of life.

Here's hoping they will be unafraid to follow their heart and are spared many of life's scary moments. After all, they will only be mine for a short while, but they must be able to live with themselves every day, hopefully knowing that their parents love them entirely.

the passing of time

Each year on December 18 I am reminded about how much of my life has passed and how much my grandmother has missed. Growing up my grandmother was my savior amongst my family. She was my safe place. She was often the only thing that made any sense in my life.

She left this world 1 week before Christmas and the day after my 15th birthday. We said our final goodbye 4 days before Christmas, on a Saturday.

There are times in which we take what may seem ordinary and allow it to mean something more. Each Saturday for several years before she left us was spent helping her clean her house, taking her shopping, and just being with her. Every Saturday, just like clock work, we visited and did what we could to help.

That final Saturday I said goodbye to a woman who was my best friend.

I watched this woman go from being able to race me to the mailbox as a young child to a person who spent most of her days having dialysis and visiting any number of doctors. She had a fighter's spirit. She had already survived cancer that should have killed her. It was the treatment for that cancer that led to so many other health issues, and what eventually killed her.

I never heard her complain the times I sat with her in the hospital or during dialysis. The only thing I remember her ever saying about any of it was that she felt she was being punished.

I could never understand why she felt that way, I couldn't imagine this woman doing anything to be punished for yet she was very religious and in her mind it had more meaning.

I owe my "country" upbringing to her. She would show, teach, involve me in almost anything that she had to do. I helped build fences, I helped move cattle, I helped put up hay, I picked lots of fruit, I helped cook, and a few times she even took me with her when she hunted.

She was the best of both worlds in my opinion. She was womanly and yet never afraid of getting dirty to get something accomplished. She wore dresses each day but when farm work called she simply put a pair of jeans on under her dress and went about her tasks. She loved jewelry, perfume, and fixing her hair.

She was stern but very kind. She had a clear definition of right and wrong and wasn't afraid to redirect my actions with a fly swatter to the behind. One day out of fear of the smack I ran out and around the house. Without a moments hesitation she was out the door chasing after me. I don't remember getting punished but I clearly remember her chasing after me.

She, even sick, would venture out to support my basketball playing or achievements in education. She had the profound ability to "show up" which was something that was missing in many parts of my life. I was always overjoyed to see her, never embarrassed. I wanted to spend each day with her and would look for excuses to stay with her.

She was a true matriarch who managed to get all of us together several times throughout the year. Each year her 3 children and their families would pack ourselves in her small livingroom and share Christmas Eve. It is one of my most cherished memories. The 14 of us would exchange gifts, laugh, eat, and act as if there was no where else to be.

She would read the Christmas story from the bible and my uncles would encourage us kids about hearing Santa's sleigh. We left that house knowing we were loved and wanted.

I'm sad to say we don't do that anymore, haven't since she left us. She had been the glue that bound us all together. She was the reason we were able to work through disagreements and put aside our anger and make sure we showed up...we showed up for her.

I have as of today lived half of my life without her. I have graduated high school, college, gotten married, and had 4 children in these past 15 years, all without her being there. If I think about it too long I am overwhelmed that life has just continued without her. I will forever be saddened by the fact my husband and children never knew her. I've lost the sound of her voice, her smell, and have been unable to find a single picture of just she and I.

It often feels that as the years have passed her ability to exist in my memories has faded. My fear is that with the passing of this time I will forget her and so each year I find myself clinging to the memories shared with her, both good and bad.

I only hope is that as my children grow up they can know of her and what she meant to me. That I do well to pass along the wisdom she imparted, her kindness, and her ability to have an opinion that wasn't always popular and remain unafraid to speak her mind.

Today is always in some way a very sad day but I'm very relieved to know she is no longer suffering, that she is finally at peace and no more need to be so strong just to survive.

I guess it's very simple. I loved my grandmother very much and now she's gone which is very sad, but I will never forget how she treated and loved me. She remains an example of love and care and I miss her.

In memory...

Today is my Aunt Frances' birthday. My earliest memory of her was when I was 5. She was one of my kindergarden teachers so I was rather confused if I was to call her Mrs. Reed or Aunt Frances during school. One day, while playing at her house we had a discussion about my confusion. I remember her laughing and saying she would always be my aunt but maybe during class it would be better to call her Mrs. Reed. I still remember that laugh even now.

Another thing I loved about my Aunt was her ability to sing. She shined during those moments. I remember attending church the days she would sing and I would beam with pride because she was my family, I had the privilege of calling her Aunt.

She was one of the toughest people I've ever met and she had no problem sharing what she thought. She shined so brightly and left us all too soon.

I didn't know her as well as so many other friends and family. But, I loved her dearly and miss her terribly. In honor of my Aunt's courageous fight I bring you a blog from Heather . You can visit her blog by clicking on her name.

She is a wife, mother, and a courageous survivor of mesothelioma cancer. She also agreed to allow me to post a guest blog from her. So please take a moment and meet Heather and check out her blog.

Sometimes healing moments come when we least expect them. They can just fall into our laps and help us cope with difficulties and the loss of loved ones. Thank you Heather for sharing your story and I send you health, hope, and happiness.

Happy birthday Aunt Frances. I love you, I miss you, and I hope you're still laughing and singing.

"It takes a village"

When you have a baby, many times you hear the phrase, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Over the years, I have come to realize how true that really is. My story brings home the point that parenting is not meant to be done in a vacuum. Everyone talks about being “strong, independent women,” but sometimes, being strong and independent means realizing when you have to call in help, that you can’t always be everything and do everything for your child. I never thought I would have to lean so heavily on those around me. But I am ever thankful that through my struggles, I had that village surrounding me, embracing me and my child, and doing for her what I could not do myself.

I’ve always been a strong and independent woman. Before my baby was born, I was a part owner of a large, successful salon company and personally ran one of the three salons in the business. In addition to working behind a chair myself, I managed over twenty employees. I was healthy, energetic, and active.

This was my life, up until the day I gave birth to my baby girl, Lily. She was born August 4, 2005. Since my pregnancy was so uneventful, I expected to pop back into my old routine without a problem. I returned to work a few weeks after Lily’s birth.

However, within a month of my return, I was constantly tired and breathless, and began losing weight. I figured this was normal, since most new mothers feel exhausted and lose weight. But soon my weight loss reached an extreme level. I was losing an astonishing five to seven pounds a week.

After some medical tests, I learned that I had fluid around my lung. After more tests, to my utter and complete shock, I was diagnosed with a cancer called mesothelioma, caused by asbestos exposure in my childhood. This diagnosis came November 21, 2005 when my daughter was only three and a half months old.

My first thought was for my daughter. Would she miss out on having a mother? Would my husband have to raise her without me? Would there always be a big hole in her life where I used to be? I knew then that I was going to have to do whatever was necessary to beat this diagnosis.

I flew to Boston where I had an extrapleural pneumenectomy, a surgery that removed my left lung, all the surrounding tissue, lymph nodes, diaphragm on the left side, the lining of my heart and one of my ribs. I also had a heated chemotherapy wash to further eradicate any cancer. Two and a half months after my surgery, I began chemotherapy and radiation.

During those early months of my baby’s life, I began to see the blessing of the “village.” My parents in their South Dakota home cared for my daughter while I was fighting cancer across the country. People I had known as a teen offered their support and time to assist my mom and dad who were juggling their jobs and “parenting” their brand new granddaughter. The “village” loved me from afar by feeding my baby and loving her while I was in distant Boston struggling for my life. My only glimpses of how she was growing and changing were grainy pictures e-mailed from my mom to us while we were at the hospital. Missing my daughter was heart wrenching. But I knew that she was in the best hands possible.

Those difficult days changed our whole family. My health keeps me from going back to work, but that is okay. It’s really not that important to me anymore. What is important is family, love, generosity, kindness, and the one constant in it that makes it all work: our faith. Through those hard times we never lost our faith in God and always believed that everything would work out for the best.

Looking back, I can see that my struggle boiled down our lives to the essentials. Because of my struggle, I am raising Lily to value those essentials, and she is growing up to be a valuable part of that “village.”

Lily is six years old now and is growing up to be such a compassionate, caring girl. It warms my heart when I see her willing to donate her old clothes and toys to those in need. She really amazes me. I think that because of everything Lily went through early on in her life, and everyone she depended on to help her and our family, she realizes the need to be kind and has a true sense of the good that helping others can do. Even if she was only an infant at the time of my diagnosis, Lily was affected in ways that have shaped the person she is today. She is my quirky, loving little six year old and she is the reason I am still here today.

Despite the struggle that cancer has brought to my life, I am thankful, for even through my illness, I have found blessings, love, and perspective.

Read more: http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/heather/#ixzz1fiGxlwln