the journey home

Now, with 3 (well actually 2 considering after the first month I high-tailed it back to the beach) months under my belt in WV I'm beginning to realize it's going to take much more work to allow this place to become home.

Yes, it is nice having family so close. Granted, I don't see them very often. I do see my mother much much much more...and I get to spend many hours with my best friend. The remainder of the families....not so much.

I seem to be doing a rather good job of holing myself up in the house despite the fact I take the girls to school each day and take them to soccer twice a week. I talk to other mothers and I'm invited places, but it seems more often than not I don't end up going. Instead, I find myself at home or running around town with 3 kids and a best friend.

In many respects I like that....very much. My friend has her significant other hours away as well. It makes for a nice fit if you can figure out why a college student would want to hang out with a mother of 3. Granted, she isn't like most college students and thinks my kids rock....so of course we love her!

However, this wonderful time with her will end. Upon graduating she will soon leave the state for Georgia and we will be back to limited phone calls since neither of us are big on talking on the phone and emails. Sure there will be visits but it won't be the same.

She will begin the struggle of creating a new life much different from her current...and I back to figuring out how in the hell to recreate a life in the mountains.

You see, NC was very wonderful to me. After 2 years I managed to find my way. I began making friends, finding my niche, and creating a life.

Yes, I missed my family and wished we could see more of them. At the same time however I was grateful for the space. It, as many things, was a double edged sword.

In NC I managed to complete my college degree and found a desired path. I realized what I wanted to do with my life while there. I was taking steps to create a career I longed to have and now I'm back at the drawing board.

In NC I loved my church. Most of my friends came from this parish. It was this parish that allowed the beach to become home. They opened their arms and allowed me to offer what little I could, while offering opportunities to work towards my goals. I was involved.

I also was able to continue contact with several special ladies I came to love during college. These woman were working towards similar goals as I and we pushed each other, encouraged and helped one another.

It is true that the friendships you make in college are some of the most wonderful.

Now, contact is strained.

My current church/parish leaves me missing home. Attending mass is difficult. The family that is Catholic is rarely attending the same mass so I'm there with 3 kids alone. There aren't as many opportunities to be involved for someone in my position. The church is incredibly smaller and thus the activities provided.

I find myself doubting my faith as well as myself. I feel as if I'm incapable of parenting 3 children alone. I find myself back at the moment in which being yourself is difficult because so many don't know who that is. It's rather difficult to accept the new kid in town.

Granted, I usually don't make that easy. I'm a loner by nature. I would much rather be reading a book or writing than socializing. I'm a very blunt and open person yet very guarded. And, while I so enjoy my alone time I desire togetherness. I enjoy talking with friends yet so often I lack the ability to reach out.

I'm caught between the person I want to be and the person I need to be. I feel like someone is asking me who I am and the titles I give myself won't all fit in the box.

It took me 2 years to make NC home. In that time I moved twice and gave birth to twins. Only after those things happened was I able to branch out and even then it was only because a dear friend gave me the opportunity.

Right now, 2 years seems like a very very long time.

I believe the saying goes something like...change is good but never easy.

I guess I would agree with that.