the waiting game...not for me

I wear my feelings on my sleeves often. I try rather hard not to and for the most part am able to accomplish that but when those closest to me act in a manner that upsets me I find it rather difficult to just shrug it off.

I'm also a planner. Each day has a list of things to be accomplished and the day is fairly mapped out. I even plan days in advance. For example this Wednesday I'm making rhubarb preserves and pies which involves dropping girls to preschool, picking up aunt, going to grocery store to pick up necessary items then spending some time preparing the rhubarb.

Today, my plan was to straighten up the house, do laundry and go through those last few boxes. I had scheduled in a workout while Michael was napping with a quick trip to my favorite (yeah right... I can't stand the place) store before picking the girls up at 12:30.

To which afterwards I would mow grass.

Then plans changed because a friend wanted to work out with me. I rearranged my day. Made the necessary phone calls to procure childcare so I could go...then....nothing.

One delay turned into me just waiting around. Call babysitter not once, not twice, but three times because of waiting on someone else. Usually, I wouldn't be waiting around.

So finally after waiting all I could I put Michael down for his late afternoon nap and started back at my list that I had pushed back all day. Called the babysitter, cancelled, and sat on the floor and cried.

I try really hard to treat people the way I wish to be treated. I try really hard to understand that other people carry a different set of importances than I. Today, I didn't do so well.

When a friend calls to make plans and I can work it out, great. However, when I feel like I'm being jerked around it makes me angry and very sad. Open ended plans are one thing but when you set an approximate time that requires a mother of three to make plans then casually and slowly blow her off...it hurts.

I just wish it didn't bother me so bad. I wish planning an outing were easier and I wish my friend understood how the indifference towards me today truly hurt. Granted, I wish I had the courage to just call and give voice to my hurt....I just don't want to cause drama on such a special time for them so I remain quiet...and hurt.

Being a mother requires planning be involved rather than being able to fly by the seat of your pants. It takes time and effort to arrange childcare, time and effort to plan a child's necessary events such as dinner or naps into the day. Which I guess is why motherhood can so often be lonely. Others don't have to play by your rules, your timelines, leaving you holding the bag while everyone else is out playing.