hope and faith

My children, especially Erin, are interested in everything relating to God/Jesus. Each day at least 5 questions are thrown my way relating faith. This morning for instance the questions surrounded Erin's rosary.

Several questions about a rosary in which she loves. She began by explaining that Mary gave it to her and that she wants to take it to school to show everyone. She said she wanted to let everyone know about God.

She then asked why the rosary was special. Why Jesus was on it and why it was white. Then the questions became a little more complex. Well what are the prayers that go with the beads? Why won't the children at school understand what I'm talking about? Why don't you know all the prayers? Can you call Mary and get them...I know she knows. Well, why is Jesus on the cross instead of God? Why would his dad let him die?

I admire my daughter's enthusiasm concerning religion. Lately, I've even found myself wishing I possessed her faith.

The truth of the matter is that currently I'm disconnected. I'm angry, hurt, and lost.

I went to mow my aunt's grass the other day and re-entered the house only to find my daughter listening to the bible on CD. She was telling me all about it and demanded that the next time we visit she be allowed to listen to more.

She is thirsting for it, desiring it so deeply and I'm having trouble even talking to her about it.

This wouldn't be a huge problem if those that are filling the gaps were Catholic. However, they aren't and are beginning to teach my children things I don't want them to hear.

I don't want them to be afraid of their religion...their faith. I don't want them scared and the fire and brimstone isn't what I want for them.

I have difficulty in understanding religion based on fear. How can we promote peace and love if religion is based on fear and hatred of others?

So many take a negative view on Catholicism mainly because they aren't educated on what being Catholic truly means. I've even heard it said that Catholics aren't even Christian....by the way, that isn't true!

I want my children to have the option to truly embrace their religion. I want them to know what being Catholic means...and what it could mean to them. I'm encouraged by their willingness and desire to learn without me pushing it down their throat.

Beyond their own faith I want them to be knowledgeable about other faiths. I don't want them learning stereotypes and passing judgements upon others because of differences.

I want my children to embrace differences and see how much one can truly learn by opening yourself up to new things and new possibilities.

Catholicism after all didn't just fall in my lap. I wasn't raised Catholic. I was raised Southern Baptist which if you know anything about Christianity is about as far from each other as you can get and still be in the same religion.

I grew up with others voicing problems with Catholicism. However, I also grew up with the understanding that it's okay to be different.

My journey to faith was a long one. It took me a long time and a lot of reading to come to a place in which I felt comfortable choosing what I felt was right for me. I chose Catholicism.

Currently, however, I seem to be choosing nothing. I am finding it extremely difficult to connect with my faith. Just pray people keep telling me...but when you fear you aren't being heard or you question the very existence it makes it difficult to even pray.

With my struggle comes the difficulty to continue my responsibility of providing information for my children. My role to guide and teach them about their faith. Give them the tools to find their own path.

If I could simply climb this boulder in my path maybe I could better serve my children. Right now, I'm just working with hope. Hope that while I struggle my children won't. Hope that my children won't suffer because of my difficulties. Hope that someone/something will offer the insight and help I need to reconnect. Hope that this too shall pass.