in the midst of why

IT finally happened. IT being that horribly embarrassing moment when your child asks a very inappropriate question right in front of the person. The question....."Why is she so big mommy".

I could see it happening, as if in slow motion. I saw Erin looking.....almost walking into this lady....and just as the lady passed us asking that dreaded question.

It isn't that it is a difficult question to answer. I simply explained that there are all sizes and shapes of people. I continued with explanations as to why that isn't the nicest thing to ask. I understand her inquisitive nature and know that she meant no harm in her question but it's a slippery slope. Depending upon how I answer these questions will shape how she will not only view others but ultimately view herself.

In a perfect world we would all be healthy and look as we wished but a perfect world this is not. We all have our flaws, our difficulties, those things we wish and even try to hide from others. Even the overly skinny popular kids have their issues.

I was overly skinny as a teen yet anything but popular. The "skinny" was full of it's own dilemmas. Fellow students and some teachers began to spread rumors that I was anorexic or maybe even bulimic. At first I found them amusing, I could out eat the best. But.....at this wonderful stage of my body changing and people circulating comments I began to question myself. I thought I was healthy, I played basketball, ran track, and enjoyed fruits and veggies. I wasn't the healthiest person but I was in shape.

It took a teacher stating that I was, "too heavy" to really put me over the edge.

Now, as an adult I battle weight. Carrying twins the first pregnancy completely broke me down. My stomach is now a battleground that shows the war waged by my children to enter this world. As hideous as it is I am grateful because it allowed my children a safe haven while waiting to grace this world with their presence.

My breasts are even larger and saggier from breastfeeding. I have the beginnings of a wonderful double chin and countless stretchmarks. I have become a battleground. Long gone are the days of a size 0 and somehow I'm happier. I know I could loose weight, look better, be more attractive to the masses but honestly I don't really care about it anymore.

I've finally accepted that this is my body and while I control some of what it does or how it looks I can't (without surgical help) remove the layers of loose skin that I now tuck into my pants, I can't exercise away my stretchmarks, I can't remove the scars of childbirth. This is my body for better or worse.

Knowing how I have struggled with self image I know my children will do the same. I want them to know they are loved regardless of their size or shape. I want them to look at someone and refrain from judging them based upon their weight. I want them to know there is always more than the cover to a book, that is it the chapters within that matter....what makes each person wonderful.

So, to the lady that was possibly offended by my daughter's inquisitive nature I apologize, and know I'm doing my best...even if sometimes it doesn't look that way.