thinking of you today

Two years ago just barely a week before Christmas my father-in-law was rushed into heart surgery. It caught us all by surprise and we were all scared of losing him. Today, he is having heart surgery again. This time it isn't a surprise, it's a scheduled surgery with much more prep work. We knew this one was coming, we could prepare ourselves. The problem is that with all the time in the world you can't really prepare yourself for the possibilities. You sit staring at the clock guessing what is going on and how much longer you think things will take. You pace by the phone afraid you will get a phone call....and terrified you won't get one. You are caught between a world of knowing and not knowing...unsure of which is better.

Today, as I type my father-in-law is having surgery while my mother-in-law and 3 of their children wait at the hospital. 3 other children are attempting to maintain their normal activities. There are children to care for and jobs to be done all the while knowing and not knowing what is going on...unable to help and wanting to help all the same.

Along with the 6 kids there are the wives, husbands, and grandchildren today with thoughts on the patriarch of the family. All of us carrying a special place in our hearts for someone who lights up the world with his smile and witty humor... for someone we know as dad or pop.

Today, may God hold you in the palm of his hand and keep you safe...and may he safely return you to us with a body and mind to last many more years. Dad/Pop we love you and are sending prayers and best wishes to you today and always.

caught in the middle

Last night we ventured out to eat something rather than staying home (eating whatever we might find left in the cabinets so that it doesn't have to be thrown out or moved 7 hours).

Ireland was having a rather difficult day. She was whinny and not feeling very well. Upon leaving to partake in dinner she began to question her age....as well as her sisters.

Then her world fell apart. She found out Erin is older. The poor kid cried the rest of the drive to the restaurant followed by crying through most of dinner and even remarked over her dislike of Erin being older on the way home.

Ireland kept begging between tears, "mommy please make me older, I don't want to be smaller".

Who knew 2 minutes could make such a difference in a little girl's life.

Sorry Ireland, I can't make you older but please take some comfort in that you are older than wee one. And yes, I know that doesn't matter since Erin is older as well.

Sorry sweet girl....welcome to your world as the middle child.

parenting....survivor style

We interrupt this move to bring you more interesting parenting tidbits.

I am in the midst of raising twin 4 year olds. The whole twin part I don't give much thought about...I just have two kids the same age. This whole 4 year old thing....it's kicking my bum.

We are right between being a toddler and trying (desperately wanting but not quite there) to be a kid. We are in the midst of why. At least 400 times a day I am asked why questions. It's never ending.

Since these twins are my first children they are the experiment. They are the learning curve in motion. They are the mistakes of parenting brought to light. They, are my first.

I don't remember much about them as babies. I missed out on so much because there was always so much to do. Someone always needed fed, someone always needed changed. Oh, and the laundry....oh my lord.

As they grew, parenting became more of a challenge and I quickly missed my babies... yet there was always more going on than I could keep up with. At age 2 I thought I was going to have my children taken from me because they loved to escape.

I kid you not. They would wait until I went to the bathroom to pee and out the door they went. They would work together...have one distract me while the other escaped. Someone it seemed was always missing.

I installed alarms on all the doors and still they continued. I would go running at the sound of the alarm and yet they would hide, thinking it was funny. They always seemed to have one over on me.

I can't even begin to explain the many tears I shed and the worry and stress that surrounded each day. I just knew that the neighbors were going to call DSS and my children would be pulled from my home because of my inability to keep them indoors or clothed for that matter.

Luckily, we survived. We waged the war and when age 3 arrived I thought maybe things would calm down.

Yes, this age was different. Less stress, less worry....not so much. Now, they colored furniture, walls, and anything else they could find. They began to climb walls and the hiding became more ridiculous. We battled potty training....and battled and battled.

They began to have more of a mind on their own which was wonderful but completely overwhelming at the same time.

Now, age 4. This is proving to be the most challenging yet. I still feel like I'm battling potty wars. One has an incredibly difficult time getting to the bathroom in time and the other has such constipation many a tear are shed.

They have attitudes like teenagers and a smart mouth to match. They have thought processes that leave me bewildered and laughing all at the same time. They are so desperately trying to be children yet somehow caught between two worlds.

I realize that I am part to blame for their confusion as their little lives have been changing more often that I seem to change wee ones diaper. New homes, new experiences, new challenges.

During this year 4 I'm finding that I am not as intelligent as I had hoped. I do not know why a rock is just a rock. I don't know why God thought it was better for Jesus to be on the cross than himself. I don't know why that red truck is parked beside the road or why some man we just passed is smiling.

Unfortunately, "I don't know" doesn't appease 4 year olds. And any answer given only leads to another why and another why and another why until I can't even remember where I'm going or my name for that matter.

I find that I hurt their feelings more often than they or I would like. I have found that my patience is easily tested and that I'm so grateful for bedtime.

In all the craziness that seems to envelope our lives I find that I love them more than I ever felt possible. I want to hold them close and protect them from the world and yet know that doing so will only harm them more. I want to help them become the wonderful young women they are destined to be and yet find myself banging my head against the wall because the road is such a long one.

With parenting it's so easy to get caught up in the day to day that the end result seems unattainable. However, keeping one eye on the goal is helping to serve as a reminder that all the hard work pays off....even if not right away....or even if not in my lifetime.

Because.....being a parent means you walk with a lot of faith. Faith that you can make it though the day. Faith that small things like picking noses and making it to the potty will end just before larger concerns appear. Faith that not only will your children survive you but that you can survive your children....and survive yourself.

reality of a changed world

We are just days from closing on our new home. And...while I am extremely excited about the house I'm not so happy about leaving my friends and husband in NC....not to mention leaving the ocean. It's kind of my sanity and calming oasis.

I am excited to set up a new home...unpack thousands of boxes....arrange furniture...purchase furniture and have a place that is all our own. It's the whole leaving a place I love part that is throwing a damper on the situation.

I am stuck between two worlds. The first is my current location. I live near the ocean and hear the quiet waves beat upon the shore each time I leave the house. I also life in a place in which husband and I started our married lives together. We have made it on our own here for 6 years...come next week. We relied upon each other which really strengthened our relationship.

Here, we can hull ourselves in the house for weeks without hearing from anyone. No friends pop by or drop in....very few phone calls and usually no one notices if we leave for the weekend. It's rather quiet.

Don't get me wrong, I have made some of the most meaningful friendships while living here. It is just that here....friends as well as ourselves have lives. We each have children to care for and jobs of one kind or another that keep us busy. There isn't a lot of time to just hang at each other's homes. Then again, maybe there is and we just don't do it. I don't know.

The other world is much different. There is no ocean yet amazingly beautiful mountains. In this world family lives just a few miles away and could pop in at any moment. There are friends we've known most of our lives that are more like family than some family. They are the type of friends who stop by and make themselves comfortable in your home as if it were their own...ones that would use the back door rather than the front.

It is a world in which everyone knows about your life, sometimes they know more than you know and use it for conversation. Small town gossip type of thing. It's a world in which the poor and disadvantaged life next door to the upper middle class. Run down trailer right next to $250,000 home. It's inescapable. You leave your house and it is thrown in your face.

I suppose while living in WV I was rather blind to this, accepting it as just life and nothing more. Now 6 years later, it screams to me as I drive by. It talks to me as I leave church and am asked if I have money to spare. It's everywhere.

My ocean world is quiet. One must search for the poor and disadvantaged. They are not so easily seen. Yet, in my mountain world you can't escape them. The only problem is that in that mountain world too often the poor aren't helped because that run down shack has raised 3 generations of family and they wouldn't have it any other way.

Helping, which is what I feel is my calling, can be rather difficult when what you see with your eyes isn't always what it seems. Poor these people may be, uneducated...maybe, helpless.....loudly no.

I suppose the hardest part about this move is that it's different. Different than the mountain home I remember. Different because memories are often part illusion. Hard because I'm unsure of my place among the masses. Hard, because moving means starting over in a place that requires dealing with some repressed emotions.

If only I could find a way to have the new house, my mom, and select others move here.

Or just maybe....this is one of those "road less traveled" things and it's going to "make all the difference".

Time will tell and if you are interested.....I'll bring you along, one blog at a time.