saying goodbye is never easy

Today was a very sad day for me and since I don't really know what else to do I'm taking the time to write because in the past that is what I've done. It's how I deal I guess.

I venture to say that everyone has at least one teacher that they can say changed their life. Helped them see their potential or simply saw them as more than just another student. Somehow they touched your life and you look back fondly on them.

I'm very lucky. Right off the bat I can think of 4 teachers that do and have meant a great deal to me. They each have allowed me to become a better person and I am very grateful.

Today however I had to say goodbye to one of them. This one in particular was a large reason I survived the latter part of my childhood. She seemed to see something in me that I was yet to see. She pushed me in my studies, found ways to include and encourage me when she knew I was having difficulty, and seemed to never question bringing me into her home to comfort and guide me when I needed it most.

Even as I type I find it very difficult to put into words what she meant/means to me. I just know that the world seems to have lost some of its glimmer and hope now that she is gone.

With her passing I am filled with regret. The last time I physically saw her was the day of my wedding. We occasionally wrote a letter filling the other in on the lives we lived and sending a picture or two but we more or less lost touch.

When I first heard she had cancer I knew I wanted to go and see her I just didn't realize how little time I had to do so. I let the opportunities slip through my fingers and am now left hoping she knew how I felt and what she meant to me. I feel as if I've let us both down, she deserved better from me and I didn't come through.

I found myself watching her daughter today. A mere 7 years old not able to understand all she has lost. I remember holding this girl in my arms when she was weeks old. Joni and I spoke of marriage, children, religion as I held this sweet tiny baby. Joni continuing to guide while allowing plenty of room for my own thoughts and decisions.

I shed tears for the mother this child no longer has, the events she will go through knowing her mom should be there with her. I do however take comfort in that no one could love her anymore than her dad and how amazingly wonderful her life will be because he is in it.

I also shed tears for the son she leaves behind. This boy I've thought of as a little brother has grown into a wonderful man with a wife and life all his own. I always knew he would do wonderful things with his life and let me just say he does not disappoint.

I had held it together through the service rather well until after all was done and we all turned to leave this boy no more leaned down to give me a hug and we both just fell into weeping. I know his shoulders are heavy now with a sister who will need him more than ever and the void left from no longer having his mom around.

It's just all very sad and the tears fall so freely now that they have become expected, accepted. So with a sad and heavy heart I say:

Thank you Joni, for everything. It meant more than you would ever know or I could express. Thanks for the car rides, the attitude adjustments, the words of encouragement, the reality checks, the hugs, the gentle pushes in the right direction, the feeling that you were always in my corner and willing to show up...and for the shower, band-aids, clothes, and motherly love that night.