one day at a time isn't just for alcoholics

Today I may very well loose my mind. For all I know it has already left, forgetting to remind me of it's upcoming absence, knowing I would probably forget it's departure anyway.

It is highly conceivable that as I write I'm not even sitting at the computer but rather sitting in a corner, in the fetal position, crying.

Motherhood is full of moments that make you so happy and peaceful that you wonder why you ever had doubts about becoming a parent. The first smile, the first time they say momma, the first I love you, first good report card, the list could go on. The problem is that these moments are not contained to mere firsts but rather spread through your child's life and yours to a point that sometimes...you miss them.

While we attempt to make every effort to hold on to these moments, recognize them as the inch closer, and savor them as they pass we realize that not each moment is a pleasurable one. Not each moment in motherhood is filled with happiness. Sometimes the sun does not shine out of our ever impressive children. Sometimes, the happenings that exist in motherhood leave you locked in the closet or sitting in the fetal position in the corner.

For six long months I have practically been a single parent. While I am still happily married I am without spouse. He resides a mere 6 hours away leaving little opportunity to help out with the children. They get sick, mom's on duty. They get hurt, mom's on duty. they misbehave, mom's on duty. They wake up in the night crying, mom's on duty.

Day after day, month after month I answer their calls. And month after month, I am reminded by their sweet faces how much their father is missed. How regardless of how much I try I can't fill the void left by the absence of their father. Those shoes, I was never meant to fill.

I am extremely overjoyed by the closeness my children share with their father. It is a relationship I have never had the pleasure to experience. I do not know what it is like to have a father love you so much he includes you in his life and shows his love without question or reason. My children, they have a father who loves them more than his next breathe. He would do anything for them, regardless if they didn't measure up.

Just this evening he reminded me that things can get worse, and probably will. While I live my life in the trenches of motherhood my tasks, my tribulations are mere pebbles to the boulders that await.

Ireland sneaking up to Erin and cutting a huge chuck out of her hair just one day after Erin had begged to keep it long because, "I want long hair like mommy." Ireland, out of rebellion over her current situation took her frustration out on her sister. Now Erin has a less that wonderful look for the start of Kindergarten and Ireland is facing a week without her scooter she just received for her birthday.

Maybe it's the fact I feel alone without my spouse around to offer the helping hand. Perhaps it's the lack of sleep. It might possibly be the fact that living in WV is proving to be very difficult when you realize that issues with parents just never seem to change and can often times become worse. Then again, maybe I'm just overwhelmed. Who knows, I certainly don't. I do know that tonight has led to a break down. A mental and physical break that is leaving me feeling down right defeated.

My husband reminded me, "it will get worse. we may have to bail them out of jail when the are older". While I cringe at the thought of my children doing something to land them in jail I'm having trouble climbing the pebbles in my path. I suppose I can only hope that as the pebbles begin to grow larger, eventually changing into rocks, and finally boulders that the smaller ones prepare me for the larger ones approaching.

If you think about it, we as mothers spend our entire lives raising our children for the one day in which they don't need us. We take these little beings into our arms when they are completely helpless. Slowly, they begin to learn, stumbling along the way. We devote our hearts, minds, and souls to helping them reach the goals until that day in which we must release them and allow them to tread ahead on their own.

I know this. I know that this is my fate. There will come a day in which the children in my care will no longer be children. There will come a day when potty training and cleaning their room will be a thing of the past. One day, many years from now, I will release my children into the world hoping that I gave them all the tools they need for success.

The only problem is that while I know this, the issues that plague a mother in the midst of raising small children can be a boulder all on it's own. Maybe the stories about poop, and feedings, and lack of sleep are boring. Maybe these stories don't connect with everyone. However, these are our stories. These are the stories of mothers, stories from mothers who spend their days wondering if the fact their child has had 5 poops in one day is normal considering normally that child only has 2. Our worries are different, but they are none the less important.

Our work weeks are long, the pay debatable, and vacation days virtually nonexistent. We spend our days working for someone who will eventually fire us because they realize they can do it on their own. There is no separation of business and pleasure. We live, breathe, and eat our jobs knowing that it's the most important job we will ever have the pleasure to preform.

I am a stay-at-home mother. That is my occupation. No, I do not have a monetary income but the fringe benefits are out of this world. And while there are days I wonder why in the hell I chose this job I know that in the end it will all be worth it....if I can just get there. I choose to be a stay-at-home mother. I realize the difficulties with being a working mother. I don't believe I'm better, or worse. I simply am. And while I make mistakes in my line of work I know I've earned respect along the way, as have others.

So I'm going to retreat to my corner, have a good cry and then go to bed. I know I can't quit my job, I know my boss is demanding. I know that there are days that you need that good cry, heck there are days when you need a bad cry. Sometimes you just need to let it out so that tomorrow you can hit the mountain running, hoping that you can at least make it half way up before you get knocked on your ass.